I swear if I listen "Silent Night" one more time, I'll crush my head with a rock, nay, with a plastic Santa Claus.
Usually, as soon as fall begins, my Christmas spirits starts growing more and more. I get so excited that, if it were up to me, I would start the celebrations right away. However, this year I wasn’t that excited, to be honest. Perhaps I have to blame it on the horrible Disney short that appeared before Pixar’s Coco. Sorry guys, but although I really like Frozen and I enjoyed the lovely comic relief moments with Olaf, in this quite long "short" film it was too much. His eager attempt to find Holiday traditions for his friends was annoying instead of cute, and it killed all my excitement about this season. So yes, this year I’m like my favorite Christmas characters, Grinch and Scrooge, so only a miracle can bring back my Holiday spirit. So, if you're feeling the same, or have always been a Christmas killjoy, perhaps these books will help you go through that Christmas slump.
The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror by Christopher Moore
Sometimes what we need the most at this time of the year is a bit of sarcasm and dark humor to defeat the cheesy atmosphere flowing in the air, and this book is a great way to achieve it. This one mixes humor, horror, zombies, Christmas, and a dead Santa. What’s not to like? A young boy witnesses how Santa Claus is killed and wishes with all his heart for a miracle to save Christmas. From all the spirits who could’ve heard his plea, it’s Archangel Raziel the one who decides to go for his call. However, poor Raziel isn’t such a brilliant being. In other words, he is dumb, so you can imagine what will happen throughout the story.
NOS4A2 by Joe Hill
Let’s now get a bit darker because, you know, winter is a dark age and horrible things can happen at places where the colorful Christmas lights don’t reach. It tells the story of a man called Charlie Manx, a guy who’s all about giving children the best holiday of their life. To do so, he takes them on his Rolls Royce to an amusement park he called “Christmasland.” Now, this isn’t as nice as it sounds, and in a similar fashion to what happens to the kids in Pinocchio, Manx intentions don’t seem to be the best. One day he encounters Victoria, the only one who’s been able to escape a ride from this not so pleasant park, but even when Vic has grown up, she has a child to whom Manx can't wait to show his lovely Christmas spirit.
Krampus: The Yule Lord by Brom
Well, nothing says Christmas more than taking a look at our oldest folkloric traditions, and who’s better than Krampus, the European demonic aid to Santa that punishes wicked children. Taking this character as a starting point, Brom tells the story of an Appalachian musician who discovers that Santa isn’t as innocent as people believe. He shows us the darkest side of the ancient tradition through amazing illustrations and a great story that will make you reconsider those Santa ornaments you put on your house.
Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris
Let’s go back to some humor before I totally lose my Christmas spirit, shall we? In this book, that’s more like a set of dark-humored stories, David Sedaris presents a collection of essays about extremely disastrous holiday’s situations. These tales include the horrors of a guy working as an elf in a mall experiences in “SantaLand Diaries,” or “Dinah, the Christmas Whore,” where he talks about the time he went with his sister to help a prostitute from her horrible abusive boyfriend during the holidays.
Santa Claus Is Dead by Jason Twede
Picture this: in the middle of the snowy forest, an innocent elf finds Santa’s dead body and just a set of footprints that get lost close to the body. There’s nothing else, not a single clue to get the murderer. Anxious and worried, he goes to detective Johnny Iceberg (nice name, right?), who takes the strange case. You’ll find yourself in the middle of a fantastic land in which elves work in a factory, now ruled by a sexy Mrs. Clause, and where penguins and polar bears become police officers and terrible news reporters. This book will definitely make you say, “WTF did I just read?!”
Sometimes the holidays can get extremely loud and cheesy. I know that I’m one of those over excited people that listen to Christmas carols all day and organize all those horrible dinners most people hate. But sometimes, even I can get tired of all the charade. So these books are the perfect choice to tackle the festivities in an unconventional and sometimes creepy way. Be my guest, and send all those Christmas carolers back home with strange quotes from these books.
You might want to consider some of this for your winter break:
Images by @tezzamb