There is no other way to speak of love than from the heart, so, for just this once, I will open up and reveal all the ways I have fallen in love and stumbled out of it. I am 24 years old and my heart has been broken precisely five times. I suffer from the Chet Faker complex, because “I fall in love too easily, I fall in love too fast, and I fall in love too terribly hard.” Sickly love is the ultimate vice; instead of liberating you, it imprisons, asphyxiates, and kills. So, in this quarter of a century, I have “killed” five innocent and beautiful women, and I am looking for my sixth victim.
The beginning is always beautiful; there are spontaneous gifts, flowers, poetry, and other sappy details that puppy love gobbles up. It is in those intense moments that I slip up and destroy things. Simply put, I am Ted Mosby, who by the second date is willing to offer his whole heart, decide how many children there will be, and blurt out “I love you.”
This is how I destroyed my first love. I offered my heart on the second week of knowing each other. What she didn’t know is that for weeks I had mooned over her at school and followed her on social media. I felt as if already knew her, as I could describe her favorite dish, color, film, and song. When I declared my undying love for her, I knew I had shoved my foot down my throat as I saw her hide her cringe from me.
Anyways, it has been five years, and I have overcome that annoying habit, but I have picked up other vices along the way. I am willing to share with you all the mistakes that killed the love I could have had, and I apologize beforehand because some may appear too foolish, but then again, I can be quite a silly person.
Saying “I love you” as a prize
My relationship with Mariana began like any other, full of promises, but it took an unexpected turn when we entered a twisted game of seeing who could out-love the other. An absurd competition of love that quickly got out of hand. The words lost their meaning because love became a prize rather than a prized emotion.
Saying “I love you” to get laid
There’s something seductive and alluring about religious women. It might be the virginal gesture of prayer or the chaste cloak they wear on their shoulders. Well, I once fell in love with one of them and even though I cherished her, I couldn’t unlock her chastity belt no matter how many times I tried. Until one day, she told me “I love you,” and my frustration led me to be quiet. In the face of my silence, she asked me hesitantly, “don’t you love me?” I told her I couldn’t answer until she’d let me play with her holy grail. A slap in the face and a goodbye. It’s okay, Gloria, I know we’ll meet again soon.
Saying “I love you” at the wrong time
It was at the bus stop at midnight when I met Laura and asked her if she was on the clock. She was talented in the deep throat game, gifted really. I thought everything was going well, and one day I went to pick her up for our first non-anniversary, and that is when I met her pimp. He told me, “I am taking Laura with me tonight.” I was in his territory but that didn’t stop me from shouting “Laura, I love you, come with me!” as he carted her off into the taxi. What can I say, I fell in love with a fallen woman.
Saying “I love you” after being with someone else
Each year, I organize a party with all my friends, and since we want to have a good time, drugs are allowed. My girlfriend at the time, let’s call her Daniela, invited her cousin Pamela to the party and I can’t deny that she surpassed all my expectations. As the party raged on, I shuffled to the bathroom and found her there waiting to go in. We started talking and in the space of three minutes I had my hand up her skirt, exploring a familiar yet unfamiliar territory. This is when I heard Daniela’s voice as she climbed the stairs, I ripped myself away from Pamela and pushed my hair back casually. The problem was that Pamela was still in an hypnotic and sexual trance and her legs were still open and her cheeks were flushed.
Daniela knew exactly what had happened and I just blurted out “I love you.”She obviously kicked me in the balls and slapped Pamela. Not all was lost, despite my broken heart, the part went on and I got to fully meet Pamela.