The reality is that cycles cannot be absolutely closed, since we live in a loop of interconnected cycles. Once a cycle fades, another takes its place and this sequence goes on in life. Mexican psychologist and psychoanalyst Fabiola Cuevas, creator of the Desansiedad blog, explores this relationship and the importance of closure.
What is a cycle?
It is a complicated mesh of moments in life that are filled with feelings we cling to, whether they are good or bad.
Why are we unable to close cycles?
Our minds get caught in past experiences, creating those cycles. Latching onto them hinders our personal development and stunts our lives, which is why we should let them go. This behavior is called attachment. This emotional bond ties us to things or people, and tends to be illogical.
When are we able to close a cycle?
It is not about forgetting, but rather evolving as a person and moving forward despite the loss or pain. When this occurs, we begin to remember with fondness and not with necessity. We can be grateful for what was and not suffer for what no longer is. We can assimilate the loss in order to grow and learn, and not see it as a fall that made us weaker.
When do we confuse closure with avoidance?
When we start to think about the lost person or situation as something alien to us or as something that will never happen again is a clear indication of avoidance. This doesn’t allow us to move forward, and our minds become fixated on the past. When evading those cycles, we believe we are whole new person that no longer has the need to cry and can move on without a hitch, when clearly that’s not the case.
Following a series of steps will help us heal, forgive, and slowly detach from these toxic cycles. In order to heal we sometimes need to look back, remember, and suffer the past once again. The mind is a very powerful tool, and if one thinks about healing then it is bound to happen.
“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
Sigmund Freud
1. Remembering
No matter how cruel it may seem, remembering past experiences both joyous and painful allows you to learn and accept those memories.
If you only focus on forgetting, then anxiety will slowly consume you, and this will only create more pain.
2. Forgive yourself
We judge and punish ourselves harshly all the time, and we bitterly regret the actions of the past. In this life, we have to provide ourselves the comfort and empathy that we equally bestow on our partners. Understanding ourselves, just as we understand others, enables us to accept the decisions we have made.
Only then can we truly close the door and stop painful memories from seeping in.
3. Forgive others
It may sound quite simple, but sometimes forgiveness has to be given, even if the apology never truly arrives. Learning to let go of bitter resentments becomes a personal journey, because it means you have to understand that the other person most likely resents you as well. However, it is responsibility of the other party to embark in their own journey of letting go, and it is completely independent from your own process. We must try to understand that not everyone possesses the tools to avoid hurting us or letting us down. Forgiveness allows us to learn from our suffering.
4. Giving Up
It is impossible to answer all the questions that may pop into our heads. Human beings attempt at all times to rationalize their past and this leads to painful assumptions. Finding the answers will not diminish our feeling of loss or pain. Let’s just say not everything is fair or logical, and we need to learn to live with that. Clinging to the desire to know exactly what happened and the reasoning behind it will only wear you down. Seeking the unanswerable will leach you from your inner strength and stop you from finding closure.
Don’t cling to the unknown or unanswerable, simply let it go.
5. Acceptance
There are things that happen outside of our control and wanting to change them will only create further frustration. The best road is to accept what has happened and stop focusing on other scenarios. Stop going round in circles and pondering every “what if?” under the blue skies. What’s done is done, and Time doesn’t stop.
6. Let Go
In order to fully be free from negative feelings, you need to live them, and go through a mourning process. Elizabeth Kubler Ross lists the five stages of loss and grief in a succinct way. It takes time to go through each one and it will demand a lot of patience:
Denial & Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
There is no specific order to these stages, and they will alternate as we live through the mourning process. Once you live through each one, you will acquire unimaginable inner strength.
Sometimes you stand to gain more when you lose
Just as Fabiola explains in her blog, loss and grief can sometimes diminish other feelings like joy, tenderness, trust, and satisfaction. Negative feelings come from the inside, and are independent from the outside world. You alone have the power to let go of them and remove the barriers you have placed to contain them. The pain or beauty of the next cycle to come will depend entirely on how far wide you open those doors and allow fresh opportunities to step in.
