The school I attended for all my teenage years up until I left for University is famous for its relaxed system. Professors weren’t authoritarian figures but friendly people imparting some knowledge to the students. There wasn’t a dress code and, more importantly, they encouraged us to state our opinions and thoughts whenever we saw fit. Yes, it was some sort of alternative hippie school that doesn’t work for anyone. The thing also, was that it was very small so you knew everybody, no matter the grade, in that way, you can imagine how gossiping worked. In a matter of seconds, everybody knew all the details of a new romance, a breakup, or a fight. News run fast, especially inside the walls of a small building. But just as the gossip spread quickly, friendly relationships flourished as fast. In that way, it’s become some sort of community in which, even when many years have passed since we stopped attending the school, I see most of these people often and feel as if time hasn’t passed at all.
This sounds great, right? Well it is but, in such a close social circle, relationships also flourished very frequently. It would seem that we learn to be so close to each other that we limited our social interactions to those attending the school, and in that way, it wasn’t weird to see one of your friends dating someone and, months later, another of your friends, and so on. Even today that still happens, you might have attended a reunion and learn that two of your classmates were dating. Then you meet them at another party and they are still friends but dating different people. Not to say that’s the healthiest environment there can be, but somehow it was a matter of prioritizing friendships over failed relationships. Now, this doesn’t mean that we were free of drama; oh boy, there were huge situations proper of soap operas, but at the end of the day, the group of friends never clashed or fell apart. So, is it healthy to remain friends with your BFF’s ex or should you take sides and never talk to them again?
Naturally, it all depends on each particular situation but there are basically two main scenarios. Either you were already friends with that person before they started dating your BFF, or you grew to care about them once you met them. In the first possibility, I think the answer is quite clear, if both were your friends and they happened to breakup, you don’t really need to take sides, I mean you care about both of them as people. I kind of made a rule in my life not to meddle in other’s problems and fights if I wasn’t involved in them. So if both are my friends and their breakup didn’t involve something horrifying, I’ll just treat each in the same terms as before.
Throughout the years I’ve learned that in these particular cases, it’s common to take your BFF’s side to support them at the moment. But by doing so, you’re also losing another friend that might be important for you. If that’s the case, what I recommend out of my own experience, is talking to your bestie and explaining the situation to them. You love them and will always support them but you won’t stop hanging out with that other person who’s also your friend. Now, there some sort of implicit rules with this scenario. You shouldn’t tell the other about their exes and become some sort of double agent because you won’t be helping anybody.
You must also bear in mind that while your friendship with both people might be the same, they might not see it in that way. So, there’s no need to rub in either’s social media how great your friendship is. Let your friend know you’re going to remain friends with their ex but don’t act as if nothing has happened. And, most importantly, avoid doing things that might hurt them even more. Yes, there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with either of them, but you must be aware that in that precise moment, both expect you to be supportive (especially your best friend). So, while you’re not being a traitor to the friendship, it’s nice to keep a certain distance and give your friend the space and time they need to move on and recover. Who knows, perhaps they’ll end up being friends afterward, but in the meanwhile don’t force things.
Of course, this is considering that their breakup didn’t involve really nasty things or that you really care for your best’s ex. If not, you should really meditate on what role would you play in the aftermath of their tragic breakup. But more importantly, you must be honest with your friend. I mean, you should always be truthful, but in this case, I think it’s even more important you don’t want to be perceived as a fishy and disloyal being, just because you don’t want them to suffer if they find out you’re still hanging out with their former partner. Also, if the breakup involved toxic behavior or mean actions towards your best friend, you should really consider if you want to stay friends with a person capable of doing those despicable things. I mean, they might’ve not done them to you but sometimes we should really think about leaving all toxicity far from us.
As it happens with relationships and friendships, things are not a matter of black and white. There are different tonalities and particularities to each case and the best thing to do is to have in mind what’s the best thing to do in that particular case.
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You might also want to take a look at these:
How To Survive When All Your Friends Are Attached Except For You?
6 Ways To Revive A Friendship That Faded Long Ago
Can friendship survive the pressures of adult life?
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