We see headlines everywhere about one celebrity couple or another that has split up because of cheating rumors. The entire details are exposed for the whole world to see. We chastise the party who perpetrated the affair and feel compassion for the partner who is suffering. Eventually divorce proceedings roll out, and we’re more than happy for the one who endured the deception to get a good settlement, move on, and get a happy ending.
But when we hear about our neighbors, friends, or even family members, being unfaithful we feel conflicted. Suddenly questions we never thought we’d ask ourselves show up. Whose side do we take? Was the other person guilty of letting the other stray? Weren’t they happy? Does this mean they were never in love?
Belgian psychoanalyst Esther Perel uses her years of experience at her New York practice to try and deconstruct the idea of infidelity that society has placed in our minds. In a Ted Talk called Rethinking Infidelity… A Talk for Anyone Who Has Ever Loved, she breaks down perceptions and conventions that have long mystified the idea of affairs.
Perel begins by stating how it’s only natural to assume that “adultery has existed since marriage was invented.” Historically, men have always been known to cheat, but it’s quite likely that women did the same. Except social norms have allowed the male sex to brag about sexual encounters with other people, while the female sex is forced to hide any indication of staying for fear of social exile or even execution.
Delving into our current society’s idea of monogamy, Perel declares that it is no longer about being with the same person forever but about being with just the one partner for the time being. She reminds that people used to believe that an affair implied one party was discontent with the relationship but, because of the demonizing of divorce, they had no other choice. It’s only human to believe that now that divorce has become a reality in modern society, infidelity would seize to exist. And yet it still happens.
Through several case studies the therapist reveals infidelity from both sides of the story. The one being cheated on experiences an incredible sense of betrayal. In our current environment, where every text message, email, and picture can be found to create an entire retelling of the whole thing, “affairs in the digital age are a death by a thousand cuts.”
On the side of the one who is unfaithful, Perel states that “when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become.” A person undergoing crisis or loss can seek comfort in being desired by someone else or by longing to have something out of their reach. It’s not that they don’t love their partner, but that they need to kickstart their own feelings.
So eventually when the affair is revealed or exposed both parties are obviously hurt but in different ways. In most cases couples will remain together even after an affair. But for the relationship to survive, the affair must not be forgotten. Questions must be asked; however, these must be existential ones, not about the torturous details we often read about in tabloids. The couple must come to terms with what is clearly not working and what they feel must be addressed.
“I’ve also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination, and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never have to see me.”
While the real stories might not be as juicy at the ones we hear about in celebrity magazines, one thing is for sure: infidelity hurts. But we can learn from that pain, work through it, and be able to find happiness.
You can watch Esther Perel’s entire talk here.
