Jealousy is the main theme of William Shakespeare’s plays, and an emotion worthy of Purgatory in Dante’s Comedy. It is the emotion that triggers the suffering of all kinds of characters in literature. But beyond fiction, jealousy is also an emotional response that causes dozens of problems in our daily relationships. And we all know it, because we have all lived it.
But of course jealousy has a function. As an emotional response to the threat of losing a loved one, jealousy can cause the permanence of affection, prevent apathetic or distant behavior, and ensure that we strive to be with others and do not give up on the love of another at the first provocation. However, isn’t jealousy something we should have already overcome as humanity?
This is definitely worth asking, because although jealousy could be a virtue in some contexts, the truth is that there are many other feelings that we can cultivate which could replace them, making us evolve as individuals and as a society. One of them is the feeling of “compression“, so called by polygamous couples, which denotes the joy that the happiness of the other can make us experience, even if it is due to the fact that our partner enjoys being with someone else.
Some have mistaken compression for a kind of masochistic voyeurism, or a morbid craving. But according to Luke Brunning, a philosopher at the University of Birmingham-and a writer in Aeon:
“If compression were the mere acceptance of the other’s flourishing, or the recalcitrant admiration, pride, vicarious enjoyment, or masochistic pleasure of other people, it would be hard to see why non-monogamous people considered it an ideal“.
Here we will propose some exercises to prove that perhaps it is possible to live love without jealousy, whether we are monogamous or polygamous. Do you want to try them to promote compression?
Exercise #1 Reflection
You may have given a lot of thought to what you want in a relationship, but have you thought about what the other person might need? What does the relationship experience mean to your partner? How can you be happy? Does it require work both inside and outside of your relationship? What do you need to reinforce so that you don’t question that you want to be together?
Remember that jealousy is a response to threat. If you don’t strengthen your emotional bonds, you won’t stop feeling threatened. However, you must also stop seeing others as potential enemies; to do this it is important that you read on and practice the following exercises.
Exercise #2 Imagine the Other Blossoming
Of course, this involves imagining the other without us. Taking ourselves voluntarily out of the equation is how we can leave behind the most harmful and egotistical self-love, the very thing that often triggers jealousy, because in the words of Professor Brunning:
“Self-love is a response to the vulnerability that underlies most jealousy. We are vulnerable because other people shape our engagement with the world”.
In this way we can prove that the other can flourish and be happy without us, and even better: with others. And in fact, so can we. It is about promoting a love without harmful emotional dependencies, without vulnerability and with desires not to possess the other but to live them. This is the compression practiced by polygamists, and it should certainly be an emotion to strive for.
Exercise #3 Strengthening Empathy
Avoiding feelings of dependency may make some people think that the non-jealous person is at risk of becoming apathetic or insensitive. However, we do not need jealousy to promote love, we need empathy.
Empathy is something we are born with, but we can – and should – also put it into practice. The most important thing is to get out of your comfort zone and learn to deal with situations that can be difficult -like knowing that your partner is having fun without you-. Practicing empathy is to constantly ask yourself whether you are experiencing the other person’s feelings or not, with all its implications.
Exercise #4 Dialogue
Jealousy is a primal form of communication, which seeks to express our fear of suspicion. A little honest dialogue should be, after the exercises we have proposed, enough to avoid any misunderstanding or insight that could lead to jealousy.
In order not to get carried away by our insecurities, we need to learn to solve problems through language. Getting back to communicating face to face without constantly hiding how we feel is key. No cell phone messages, but plain and simple dialogue whenever necessary.
We hope that, with these tips, you can get rid of jealousy and start practicing more empathy and compression.
This story was originally written in Spanish by Ecoosfera.
