Do you keep hoping for a call in the middle of the night? One that says that they’re thinking of you? Are you waiting for a message from a certain person apologizing for how they treated you?
How long are you willing to keep this up?
I used to think about what I would do if the person who had left me broken from the inside out came back. Would I just let him back into my life as if nothing ever happened? Would it be like some scene from a movie where, regardless of how awful he’d been, I’d still forgive because I’d loved him so much?
I’d find someone else to pass the time, but that was all it was. I was never really with them. I’d compare every person who tried to get near me to the one who’d left a hole where my heart was. I was so afraid of letting someone in. What if he’d changed his mind? I kept saving a spot for him in my life, even long after he was gone.
But it was weighing on me. It took as much energy for me to keep remembering and keeping his memory alive, as for me to wake up in the morning. I was a ghost. I was sleepwalking through life, hoping he’d come back and restart me. Then one day I realized that wasn’t going to happen. This was even before I saw a picture of him with his wife and baby, but by then I already knew that I’d been waiting on a fantasy.
We sometimes allow ourselves to get sucked into this vortex of longing. We idealize them and ourselves, thinking our lives were better because of them. But the truth is that if we found them again, we’d still feel like there was something missing. Because what we want from them is for them to provide. What we’re really pining for is that sense of security, of being certain that we won’t be alone. What we’re asking is for them to fill the part of ourselves that we need to fix on our own.
Ask yourself: why you’re still hoping for them to come back. Is it because you think they’ll make you whole again? Or is it because you feel that nobody will ever love you the same way?
As painful as it is, we need to see ourselves beyond this claustrophobic situation. There is a world and a life beyond this defunct relationship. Despite what you think, you’ll be able to love again. And yes, that comes at a risk and with a price. You might get hurt again. Your life might not turn the way you expected it to. It might be a bumpy road. But just maybe, if you allow someone else to see beyond the barriers you’ve placed around yourself, only then will you have made room in your heart for someone else to live there.
Think of the people you care about. The ones who have a place in your life no matter what. That is precious real estate. You can’t keep holding a chunk of it for someone who doesn’t value or want it. Stop waiting for them to come back. Hoping and begging won’t make them change their mind. Don’t expect them to resume your life. That button is yours alone. Don’t place your destiny in someone else’s hands. If things go wrong, you won’t be able to resent the one that left. It will be your fault.
So stop longing. Do all the steps of grief and move on. Trust me. They’re already long gone.
You might be interested in reading:
Can unrequited love make you stronger?
Don’t tell me I’m too good for you.
Images by Ian Evan Lam
