Each love and heartbreak teaches us something about ourselves, others, and life in general. But what about our hearts? How do they figure it out? The emotions of love from each romantic relationship need to go through three stages in order to reach sincere feelings.
First stage: Idealist love
This kind of love happens when we’re young, usually our first big crush. Because when we’re in high school our knowledge of the world is limited to our surroundings so we develop a naïve sort of romance. We believe every relationship will be perfect and last forever. Our points of reference are fairy tales and movies.
Psychologists point out that idealism built society, even our own families. But love is not a fantasy. There are conflicts and issues that we can’t overlook because of how strongly we care for the other person.
Second stage: Need-based love
This is a painful lesson to learn who we are. After our idealism is shattered by lies, deceptions, and manipulation, we are left in a situation where we need someone to take care of our wounded selves. So we start looking for love as something we require in our lives.
But selfish love can never work nor using the other person as a crutch. Most of our twenties are spent looking for people out of need instead of looking for a true connection. This can lead to a self-destructive and abusive behavior. We entangle ourselves in codependency as we’re addicted to high stakes emotions, regardless of how much they hurt.
Third stage: Unexpected love
After falling into the same patterns for so long, love has left us exhausted. So we choose to stop believing in it. We choose to be alone and start discovering ourselves instead of trying to be who someone else wants us to be. We start accomplishing dreams and goals.
Then at the moment we least expect it, we find there’s someone who’s nothing like the others. We’ve discarded idealism, expectations, and requirements. We don’t ask for anything, and yet they give us exactly what we’re looking for. That’s real love. The one who makes us laugh and feel good without all the added baggage.
We might need an entire life to learn these lessons. If we’re lucky, this only takes a couple years. Maybe it’s not about being ready for love, but love being ready for us.
Translated by María Suárez
