Is the friendzone a real place?
When it comes to a love interest, many men dread these six words more than anything else: “I only like you as a friend.” To them, nothing could be worse than being offered friendship rather than the opportunity to start a new relationship.
When men have a love interest, they fear nothing more than being cast and exiled to the Realm of the Friendzone. To the collective imagination, this is the place where only the most awkward people end up in. It’s the place reserved for those who weren’t “manly” or “cool” enough to seduce their “conquests” and whose efforts were futile.
This barren realm is clearly imaginary, and it’s nothing more than an illusion that the male mind has built as a form of resentment to women who didn’t respond to their advances. This is because they believe their feelings and their actions somehow entitled them to receive their interests’ affection.
Let’s be honest here, the Friendzone is a fictional state of being where somehow, a woman who rejects a man is somehow punishing the guy to a lifetime of humiliation where they can only find comfort pining for her or by venting out to those who have gone through a similar experience.
There are several factors, however, that explain how and why this imaginary space has begun to take up space in our everyday lives.
We’re lonely
The first factor is loneliness. We’re all social beings, and we need to interact with others to be truly happy. However, our happiness also relies on the quality of these interactions. In this age of social media, we’re surrounded by virtual and superficial interactions. I feel something in our minds resents this, and makes us crave even further a higher quality of interaction with others. Because of this, we’re always looking for a potential partner, some one we can be intimate with. Nonetheless, feeling lonely doesn’t entitle us to anyone’s love. Nobody can force intimacy.
We don’t know how to relate
There are biological and cultural factors that explain why men have grown to believe in the existence of the friendzone. According to Teresa Treat of the University of Iowa, a behavioral psychologist, men have been socially and genetically predisposed to reproduce. Due to this social and natural wiring, men are constantly looking for someone who will accept them as a partner. However, a problem is deeply rooted in this sort of behavior, which is men regarding women only as potential partners. Because of this, men resent the women who reject their advances. It’s about time we let go of this primitive way of thinking. Sometimes, friendship can be even more rewarding than an intimate relationship.
We’re not sure if there’s chemistry
There’s much more to finding a partner than what meets the eye. We’re not completely conscious of how attractive we can be to someone. Our scent, for example, is crucial in how attractive we may be to somebody else. However, not everyone we’re attracted to will feel the same way, and it’s very difficult to make a person see you as a potential mate if this isn’t happening on an unconscious level. Forcing attraction between two people rarely bring about positive results. Someone not feeling sexual attraction for us is perfectly natural. Resenting them because of it is not.
We were raised to believe that courtship works
Tradition has made us believe that courtship works. We’re surrounded by examples of it since the Middle Ages. Now, we’ve romanticized the idea that if we persevere, our love interests will eventually give in. When we hang out with someone we like and we perceive they’re having a good time, we delude ourselves in thinking that they may be falling for us. Nonetheless, this is not necessarily an indicator of romantic interest. It just means people are having a good time with us. We confuse friendship with romantic interest.
Believing that women and men can’t be friends is a notion that we need to erase from our systems. Otherwise, we’ll reluctantly keep spending time in the make-believe Land of the Friendzone, playing victim just because people are true to us and to their feelings.
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If you’re looking for a partner you’re compatible with, be sure to check out the things you must never have in common. Now that you’re looking for ways to develop emotional maturity in your relationships, take a look at the 15 things of love and sex you should know before you reach 30.
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Photography
Joel Sossa (@joelsossa)
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References
BBC
The Guardian
