I usually see myself as the best-friend character in a romantic comedy. I might be the protagonist of the movie that is my life, but my story line always seems of that girl who spends 90% of the plot crying or drinking herself to sleep. It’s not that I make bad decisions. I think it’s more due to the fact that I don’t see things coming. All the signs are there, but I’m completely blind to them until it’s too late.
After each romantic disappointment, I spend days thinking and wondering what was it that I did wrong. Did I talk too much about myself? Was I too happy all the time? Too intense, too guarded? Before I know it I realize that a part of me has broken off. There’s a slice of my heart that’s wandered off. I can’t help but be who I am. But, does that mean I’m destined to be alone?
Well, let’s not get carried away.
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In this day and age, it’s easy to chalk everything as a failure. We have hashtags about this. We laugh and tweet about silly events that happen to us. But when it comes to love, this self-deprecating reaction is more selfish than anything else. If we wholeheartedly believe that everything that happens to us, including the way others act, is based on something we do, then we’ve crossed the threshold towards narcissism.
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This is why I’ve stopped trying to give a name and address to every single failed attempt at love. Because the more I remember and recite these doomed-from-the-start entanglements, the less hope I have in any future unnamed person and situation. Perhaps it’s the constant repetition of what’s gone wrong that leads us to the next unhappy ending. If we’re already thinking that the person standing in front of us will notice all the flaws, that we’ve blamed for the last relationship that went wrong, then we’ve already lost. Because we’re not in the present. We’re not even paying attention to what our date is saying.
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When we allow the voice in our head, that’s spelling doom, to take the reigns of our romantic life, we’re looking towards a very bleak future. We’re filtering everything in a bad light, based on experiences that we’ve painted grey. What’s curious is that, for all we know, a breakup could just be a breakup rather than a catastrophe foretold and caused by our own shortcomings.
Life is life. Sometimes things don’t work out. The timing might not be right. The chemistry isn’t there. As compatible as our dating app says we are to a random individual, there’s a slight magic to love. We can’t underestimate this unspoken mysterious element. But we can’t be expecting to be smacked in the face by it either. The less we try to control and plan, the easier it gets.
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We need to stop playing Chinese checkers with our emotions and that of others. We’re not machines with and Off/On switch. There’s no manual or guideline. So why should we be qualifying and quantifying each person and relationship that comes into our lives? What’s the point in calling ourselves a failure at love? That idea just keeps us from exploring and searching for a true connection.
So how does this apply to by quirky screenplay of everyday routine? Well for starters, I don’t call them love fails. They’re learning paths. I try not to ponder too much on why it didn’t work out with this person or another. I don’t blame myself for being me. But I don’t hold a grudge against the other person. If it’s no one’s fault, why play the blame game?
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Let’s stop finding the negative and expecting failure before we even start. Instead of focusing on what we or our date is doing wrong, why not talk to each other. If there’s chemistry, then great. If not, then that’s okay too. We can’t force someone to love us as much as we can’t be forced to develop feelings for another person. All we can do is continue on our path and enjoy the view.
Is your inner strength your best weapon?
Have you found a reason to cheat?
Source:
Big Think
Huffington Post