There’s a lot we keep to ourselves, especially at the beginning of a relationship. We want to make a good impression and we know that a big part of who we are needs some time to be digested. It’s not that we don’t accept ourselves, that we think we’re unlovable, or that we want to lie to our partners. We only think it’s better to reveal ourselves, our thoughts, and our opinions little by little. It’s unrealistic and even unhealthy to expect full transparency. There are things that we just don’t want to hear, so we decide to do our partners the favor of not confessing every single thing. Here are a few things that we don’t want to communicate to avoid the messiness of interpretations, doubts, and unnecessary conflict in the relationship.
1. We have sexual fantasies with our friends.
Nobody wants to talk about this. I’m sure there are a lot of sexually open and enlightened individuals out there, but in most cases, this discussion would be messy. It isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t mean that we have feelings for them, that we like them more than our partners, or that we want to pursue those ideas. It’s just that those ideas exist because our friends are attractive people. It can be a sexual fantasy with a friend of ours or even with our partner’s best friend. Don’t be shocked. Making a big deal out of it is only going to make the fantasy sexier.
2. We keep in touch with our exes.
Traditionally, when a relationship ends, we’re supposed to never talk to that person again. Sometimes, that is the best thing to do. Other times, it’s hard to do it because that person is a part of our lives, or because things didn’t end that badly, and we still care about them. Admittedly, this is hard to talk about because we understand that it would be weird to know that our partner hangs our with their ex all the time. We’d probably get jealous or paranoid. But really, it depends on the person. Lying about seeing them or having strong feelings for them would be terrible, but omitting the fact that we replied to one of their emails the other day is not a crime.
3. We have a secret favorite porn site.
It could be a genre that we’re embarrassed about or sex toys we hide from them. Men are known for having fragile egos, and we don’t want them to think that they don’t satisfy us sexually. The truth is that sometimes we need a little extra something, and that’s completely normal. Again, it depends on the person and their level of openness. In case that sexual dissatisfaction is an actual problem, we won’t keep to ourselves because our sexual pleasure/well-being is always a priority.
4. We find someone else more interesting.
More interesting, more funny, or more attractive. Don’t be unrealistic. The sooner we accept that our partner loves us, even if they don’t think we’re the best person in the world, the sooner we’ll be at peace with ourselves. But, yes, we keep it to ourselves anyway because we don’t want to hurt them.
5. They’re not everything to us.
Our partner can’t fill every role. Maybe they’re not the best listener, so we need a friend. Maybe they’re not fun at parties, so we need to go dancing with other people. Our relationship with them is a choice, but we don’t need them. They’re not irreplaceable. It sounds harsh, but it makes our love better because we’re not dependent on it. We just enjoy it so much that we choose it every day.
6. We hate their taste in music.
It doesn’t have to be music. Maybe we hate the movies they love or even their favorite comedian. Perhaps we hate the clothes they wear. No matter how compatible they are with us, we’ll hate something they love at some point, and we’ll try to change their wardrobe or whatever (subtly, slowly). It’s silly, but a lot of people think that the things they love are inseparable from who THEY are, and a lot of arguments can come from that.
7. We hate something about them.
It sounds very unhealthy, but love has a little bit of hate in it. If we’re happy in the relationship, we know that we love our partners completely. Better said, we know that we love our partner’s essence. But sometimes, there’s something we dislike about their personality. Maybe it’s the fact that when we’re alone with them, they’re their most natural, authentic self, but then we check their social media profiles and they look annoying and pretentious. They might be loud and overbearing at parties. They make the dumbest jokes when they’re with their friends. All these can make us want to punch them in the face. But we won’t, because we love them, and there is no such thing as a perfect partner.
Let’s be honest, in the beginning of a relationship, we date an idealized version of the other person. We don’t want to destroy that idea too soon. We want to establish the relationship’s rhythm first, in order to eventually start sharing our most intimate thoughts and desires in a way that makes our flaws and quirks sound charming and compelling. In a way, that shows our partners they that can trust us enough to share who they are deep down too.
Images by Benjamin Patch.
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