“The lover wants what he does not have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants if, as soon as it is had, it is no longer wanting.”—Anne Carson, Eros The Bittersweet
From time to time we find ourselves desiring someone who is out of our reach. We don’t openly admit it, because we are afraid of the intensity of our thoughts, and anyways, fantasies are harmless. The impossibility of loving someone who’s already taken, or who doesn’t love us back intensifies those desires. We shouldn’t feel ashamed of these thoughts, as they are part of our nature.
The fantasies we build around the person can endure, and our affection is fed by our vivid imagination. We can even succumb to the obsession and allow desire to cloud our reason. If we’re the ones committed to a relationship, we cannot help but wonder: “Why would I risk ruining my already stable and honest relationship?” or, “Why would I risk my future for a passing desire?”
The answer to those questions cannot be reduced to the mere craving of the flesh or to a reckless desire to go through life breaking hearts. On the contrary, the fault –for every poorly decision we’ve made on love– lies in our brains. If Anna Karenina had only paid more attention to her gut instinct and not her mind, she wouldn’t have destroyed Seriozha’s life and hers with their passionate affair. Anyway, we put the weight of every romantic decision on our hearts and blame it for the terrible outcomes.
The neurotransmitters activate to release dopamine, serotonin, and other pleasure hormones. However, if we feel more attracted to the forbidden, it is because our brain releases adrenaline.
The anxious desire to obtain what we cannot have is a reflection of how the brain gives priority to pleasure. According to some research, the already mentioned hormones are prone to activate faster if we find someone who represents something prohibited and naughty.
On the other hand, according to psychologists, low self esteem or lack of empathy implies we are more likely to fall in love with the wrong person.
Whether it is psychological or physical, we can also address this problem from a social perspective, by understanding the habits and behaviors of people who tend to be involved in unsuccessful relationships.
–
Monogamy
There are people who don’t believe in monogamy, and use this argument to have multiple relationships at the same time.
–
Love doesn’t exist
For some men and women love has ceased to exist after they stop feeling excited over a person. As a consequence, they frequently seek the thrill of a new relationship with a person who can provide them those feelings.
–
Trauma
People who suffered violence as children, who were abused, or have sense of abandonment tend to search for partners who can console those feelings of loss.
–
Boredom
This last point can be the result of the sum of all these previous arguments. Even when a person is in a loving and committed relationship, there’s no guarantee they will not feel attracted to someone else by the mere act of boredom.
At the end of the day, it is the mystery and the thrill for the forbidden what make us pursue impossible loves.
–
Science doesn’t hold all the answers to the emotional turmoil that people undergo when they desire the impossible. We will never be entirely sure why we sometimes feel interested or attached to people who clearly do not reciprocate.