The Moment I Realized I Needed To Leave And Not Look Back

May 17, 2017

|Maria Suarez



Nobody thought I’d leave you. I never believed I would. I was by your side during the toughest moments. So what was the last straw? Which line was I unwilling to cross? To explain this, I need to start from the beginning, way before I ever imagined I’d be writing this letter to you.

I was young when I met you, and by that I’m not just talking about my age. I was naïve and sheltered. I never imagined how horrible people could be to each other. I’d experienced cruelty before, but never did I predict that two people who cared for each other would end up destroying their loved one.

You gave me hope when we first met. I thought I’d found someone who truly saw me. The cracks began to show early on, but I pretended they weren’t there. I told myself this was a good thing, probably the best that had ever happened in my life. I put the worried voice in the back of my head on mute and kept going. I turned a blind eye towards the signs that seemed to be flashing red all over and pretended to be content.

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I’m fully aware that life isn’t a fairytale. I can’t pretend that I never saw this coming. I just prayed it wouldn’t. Each time you yelled something horrible at me, disguised as constructive criticism, you’d knick my heart like a paper cut. When I witnessed your prejudice towards others, I’d close my eyes because it made no sense to me. I shared so much with all that you hated. What made me different or special? Was it that I allowed this behavior?

Yesterday you asked me to burn my bridges. To sever all ties to my family and those that I love. You said that in order for us to share a life, I needed to leave behind everything else that wasn’t you. I was in shock. Haven’t I proven myself over and over? How could you require that I give up the last part of me that’s left? The only side of myself that remains unmalleable.

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I felt sick and dizzy. The Earth had remained still but I felt as if an earthquake had passed through. As if the small cracks on the kitchen floor had turned into sink holes, foretelling the apocalypse you and I would go through. As the day went on, I kept sensing that something was about to unravel. After the sun went down and the darkness took over, I knew I had to leave. I couldn’t just walk away. I had to let go completely. If I didn’t disappear in that moment, I might have never had the strength again.

I’m sorry I didn’t warn you. I didn’t want to risk a goodbye keeping you and I from being free. Because both of us are prisoners of this vicious circle. We dance around this merry-go-round of pain and uncertainty. You hurt anyone you feel might destroy the perfect world you’ve created. While I hand over all my choices and decisions for your consideration. I do you as much evil as you do to me. That's why I won’t be there when you return, nor will I answer any text, call, email, or scroll on a carrier pigeon.

I can’t look back, because to do so would be to restart everything again. I wish you a happy life. I hope you find whatever it was you thought you saw in me.

(End of fiction)

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Images by Cayetano Gonzalez

Maria Suarez

Maria Suarez

Coordinadora Editorial CC+