Even the most cynical person has a sensitive side that’s not impervious to love stories. They might not believe in all the fantasy around the idea of love, but a good story can warm their heart. Yes, we’re surrounded by cheesy romantic tales that aren’t likely to happen to us mortals, but in a way, they’re so embedded in our subconscious that somehow we still long for something like that to happen. Who wouldn’t want to be the protagonist of the classic love story where two people fall in love at first sight and after sorting some hard, yet challengingly exciting obstacles, end up having an everlasting relationship?
In these times, where most people have stopped believing in outdated life experiences and expectations, the idea of everlasting love is constantly being shattered and forgotten. If you think of romantic novels, series, or movies, the classic “boy meets girl” narrative is constantly evolving to match our generation’s expectations. I mean, yes, we still see the characters aiming for true love, but now it’s presented in a more realistic way. For instance, characters like Gigi (He’s Not That into You) or Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother) are portrayed as the hopeless romantics who long for the perfect romantic story, but in their respective stories, life makes sure to constantly disappoint their expectations and show them love is not generic.
It’s clear that these characters have outdated perspectives and expectations of love. But their portrayals are extremely interesting. They are determined to find love in a conventional way, hoping and waiting for signals of the universe to give them their perfect romantic story. Yet, in their eagerness to find love, they recur to so many dating techniques that they don’t realize they are going against what they really believe in. You might think this only belongs to the realm of fiction, but believe it or not, it’s quite common. According to Rachel Sussman, relationship counselor and expert, the number of people coming to her for answers or solutions to find their perfect match is really high. What is even more surprising is the importance dating apps have in our current quest for love.
New technologies and our dependence on the digital world have had such an impact on relationships that dating apps have become crucial for many people. One could think that apps like Tinder or online dating are mostly used to hook up with someone in a not so serious way, if you know what I mean. However, as Sussman mentions, this is not exactly the reality. These sites are filled with Gigis and Teds looking for the love of their life. As it happens when new technologies become essential in the everyday life, there’s a term that describes a new reality for people who have extremely high expectations only to have them crushed, and that’s “the haze”.
The “haze” is when you fall for someone on these dating mediums, or when you think you’ve fallen for someone, or better said, for their profile picture and how they present themselves on the site. I know, this may sound a bit unrealistic. Who would really fall in love like that? Actually, it’s quite common in the digital world, and as Sussman states, you’d be surprised at how many people come to her with this problem. Now, the haze isn’t just about that, so let’s be more precise. You enter your preferred dating app or site, find someone you like and, it turns out you’ve made a match. You start talking with them that day and go to sleep believing it was a successful first approach. But suddenly, you receive no messages nor any attempt of communication, and you feel devastated because you thought things were going on so naturally. That, my friends, is the haze.
But why would you feel devastated for someone you didn’t really know, or more importantly, for exchanging just a couple of words? According to the expert, when some people make a match with someone else and start talking, they start creating a story of how things could work out. They start picturing a life together and how this stranger might be “the one”. But when they’re ghosted, they feel similar emotions to a breakup. So, basically, what happens is that they feel devastated because their expectations were broken, not really for the person behind the screen. They feel bad because, once again, the chance of having a relationship with someone is over.
Fantasizing about love is very natural, since it’s something we all long for; the problem comes when we give those fantasies a priority in our life. Yes, we might find someone appealing on their profile. But it can be very easy to put our expectations on that photo and attach traits that blind us from seeing things clearly. Imagine if these people don’t ghost you, and you actually meet them and go on a date. It’s most likely that all the qualities you pictured are not really there and, in your eagerness to fulfill that fantasy, you continue a relationship. However, that relationship could fail because it was built on an inexistent foundation.
Online dating has become a reality of our times, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when we try to pour all our preconceptions of love into each new experience. Just as the dating exercise has evolved, our attitudes should too.
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