I will be forever grateful for your friendship, but it’s time to say goodbye.
Hey, how are you? I hope you’re doing okay. You might be wondering why I'm writing you this. Well, I’ve been feeling that our friendship is not what it used to be, and that makes me really sad. I don't know if you have felt it too, but it's eating me inside, and I can’t deal with it anymore.
You know, for a couple of years, I’ve seen you going from bad to worse. Life’s been beating you hard, I know, and I’ve tried to keep you company and help you get through this, but you’re not fighting back anymore. You just keep running away and relying on those who love you, because you know they'll help you, no matter how harsh your problems are. I know I promised to be here with you unconditionally, but this has gone too far.
I know that these last years have been particularly difficult for you. You have so much on your plate right now and you're not sure what to do next. But even though I tried to guide you through a less bitter road, you kept making the same mistakes and ended up feeling worse. Honestly, that got me really frustrated, because I'm not sure if you still want me to help you get through your shit or you're just using me as a comfort zone. Whatever reason, I feel the path our friendship took is hurting us both, and that’s why we have to part ways for good.
I want to clarify that this is not an easy choice for me. You know that I love you with all my heart. You are practically family to me. You have made me feel loved, understood, and protected, like no friend ever did. That’s why I’m so concerned about you, about us. The closeness we have enjoyed and cherished throughout the years is also the poison that’s killing our bond right now. We are so involved in each other's lives that we may have gone too far, and now it's hard to draw a line. While I was taking care of you during your last benders, I wasn't particularly enjoying the fact that I had to almost undress you and give you a bath before your parents arrived. I did it because I love you and I didn't want you to be alone, but it was really uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I would do it again.
I don’t think that breaking up with “you-know-who” was as painful as bidding you farewell. Deep inside, I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know I have to for our sake. I hate to admit it, but I think it’s the only thing left to do.
Before saying goodbye, I want to thank you for everything: for making me laugh when I wanted to cry, for drying my tears when I just couldn’t stop sobbing for that goddam fuckboy who promised me the world (and turned out to be the weirdest creep with mommy issues), and for making me see reality when I didn’t want to.
Thanks for hugging me when nothing made sense, when I was so mad at myself that I even hated listening to my own name. You never ceased to show me love. Thanks for those days when your tough talks helped me become the person I am now, for not judging me when everyone else did, because you were as weird as me. You understood me like no one else did. Thank you for those long calls when we tried to figure out our lives. I remember I laughed so hard when you suggested that world hunger should be solved with an infinite stash of tacos. Also thanks for the countless times you tried to lecture me about my love life (and failed to do so, because you were as lost as I was). I mean, I could go on for pages and pages. There is just so much you did for me. I can't stress enough how thankful I am to have crossed your path. You really brought joy and growth in my life.
Now that I think of it, I also want to thank you for the bad times, for those moments when we weren’t the finest people and we showed our true colors. In those moments I learned so much about you and me, about how trashy we can be and how we can work on our own flaws. It was enlightening to find out that we wouldn't always agree on certain topics, like politics, religion, and work. I learned a lot from those times when I had to be nice to your former partners, even though they were rude to me, because I really cared about you. Hell, we even argued because of all your exes wanted you to ignore me because they felt insecure.
I have to say, it was actually great not to agree on everything. You made me a more tolerant and empathetic person (even though deep down I'm more of an antisocial). Even when I felt like not partying as much as you, and you got mad, I learned that we didn't have to share everything, and that was actually a good thing. Sadly I also learned that the party itself became your way to escape to life, when it used to be an excuse to listen to good music and have a drink or two. Eventually, those drinks became five, then ten, then I just lost count. That's when it hit me that something was wrong. Yes, you influenced me in so many ways (both good and bad), so saying “thank you” will never seem enough.
Unfortunately, saying thank you also comes with saying goodbye. Even though there was a time when I was certain we would be friends forever, today I'm not so sure. There is so much uncertainty in your life right now, that I don't know if you still want to be friends with me, if you're going to do something with your life, or if you will keep making others solve your problems for you.
It breaks my heart to think that way. These last years have been difficult, not because I stopped caring about you, but quite the contrary. I cared too much to see you suffering. I hated my guts for not doing enough, and then I hated yours for messing everything up over and over again and waiting for my help. It really became exhausting and depressing. I tried so many times to lend you my hand and take you out of this hole, but you didn’t stretch yours. Honestly, there’s nothing left for me to do. I really did try, but I can't stand this anymore.
Last but not least, I'll always remember you, even if we don’t talk anymore. You are a human being capable of doing great things, and I’m sure someday you’ll achieve them. But for now, I’ll take a step back and wish you nothing but the best: the best laughs, the best sex, and the best times ever (even if they’re not with me). I’m sure you’ll meet other people and make other friends. Who knows? Maybe they’ll help you get through this journey in a way I couldn’t.
So, goodbye. Take care, and promise me that wherever the road takes you, you’ll spare a thought for us.
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Photo credit: Tezza MB