There are terms in our everyday language that we use so carelessly that we fail to see the heavy meaning they imply. How many times have you told someone they’re a basic bitch or have resting bitch face. The thing is that we normalize these words in such a way that they’re even used to name an eyeshadow color in a palette (yes, there’s a makeup palette with a hue called ‘rich bitch’). If Mean Girls has provided us with anything besides many moments of laughter (and this time I’m not being sarcastic), is that by using these words, we’re only encouraging others to call us that. So, now that I’ve mentioned the film, let’s make a similar exercise like the one Ms. Norbury conducts with the girls at the gym: raise your hand If you have ever been told you’re high maintenance (*rapidly raises her hand*).
I bet many of you did it as well.
So, what exactly does that mean? Why is it so commonly used? Moreover, why does this happen especially when referring to women? Generally, we use this term to describe a person who requires a lot of attention, time, money, or effort. In other words, a person that’s extremely demanding (Collins Dictionary). Naturally, the term has negative connotations because who’d like someone who’s constantly seeking attention or requires too much effort to be with, right? Well, actually that’s one of the dumbest affirmations we grow up believing from childhood.
Once again, raise your hand if you’ve ever been told that you won’t find a boyfriend with those attitudes. The thing is that we’re told at a very early age that in order to succeed in life you need to find a good, handsome, responsible, successful, and caring man to start a family and live happily ever after. Instead, the discourse of how we must be the be liked by men, because it seems as if they’re the ones with the power to choose. As Julie DiCaro states regarding women who work in sports, “(…)Hot, but not high maintenance; outspoken, but not political; knowledgeable, but not so much as to threaten the guys.” However, isn’t this what we are expected to be like as women, not only in the sports media?
Generally, when we’re young we don’t get to understand the world around us since we’re just about to discover it. I still remember the first time I felt humiliated and angry about a comment about my gender and age. I was sixteen years old, and I was at a family gathering. My dad was talking about politics with some guy, and the latter said something I didn’t agree with. Being raised to speak freely whenever I so desired, I naturally told him I didn’t agree with what he had just mentioned. He just looked at me and said that I didn’t know what I was talking about because I was too young and, worst, because women generally don’t get politics that well. His words pierced my brain and were forever engraved as a reminder of what many still believe. This wasn’t the only precious advice he intended to give. He added that I should stay away from these topics since no man would ever be with someone who acted as I did only to get attention from others. Seriously? What does that even mean? That we have to be submissive and never speak our mind so that a guy likes us? Or, even worse, that we only give our opinions as a way to get attention? As a matter of anecdote, my dad and I left after this situation.
If you think about it, all the meaning behind the term high maintenance is a double standard based on contradictions. That’s why DiCaro’s example is so applicable to everyday situations. Think about a stupid habit of wearing makeup or dressing stylishly. I mean, if you don’t do it it’s because you don’t put a lot of effort on yourself which means you’re lazy, or don’t care about your appearance, therefore, it’s very unlikely for a guy to like you (yes, because if you think about it, the term high maintenance is all about behaving properly to be liked). However, if you wear makeup too often is because you’re desperate to get attention from others. There’s no balance in here, you’re either one thing or the other. Following the makeup example, think about how much time and effort requires to get a ‘no makeup makeup’ so that you acquire that precise middle point or balance? I know, that this is a vain example, but if you think about it, it holds the core essence of society and how women are expected to behave.
If you ask me, that misogynistic person who tried to belittle me ten years ago, made me realize that these perceptions, that are so ingrained in our society, must be changed urgently. I don’t care if they think I want to be the center of attention simply because I state an opinion, or because I like wearing makeup. So, no, I’m not high maintenance, I just happen to care a lot about myself, and my actions are not dependent of others.
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Images by @elliottsdunning
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