I dream about you, almost every night. I cannot escape your shadow and you seem to lurk in the farthest recesses of my mind and not matter how hard I try to rip you from my mind, you hide in the shadows. When we broke up, I couldn't help but open my mouth and share every painful detail, like a river bursting its banks, I brought you up constantly. If I had to compile a photo album of our relationship and sorted it by good and bad experiences, can you guess which one would have more pictures?
We had terrible fights and when I look back I wonder why at this present moment I am missing you so much. I miss your love but I don't miss you, and perhaps what I miss the most was the memory of who I was when I was with you.
I realize I don't miss your sweetness, but rather how affectionate I can be when I'm in love. The laughter that was prevalent at the start of our relationship quickly faded and was replaced by bitter words, awkward silences, and loud fights that drowned out the rest.
I miss dancing with you, anxiously trying to reach your lips, barely touching your nose, and sleeping on your chest. I don't miss your presence. I miss the way my heart would race while reading your texts, how calm I felt by your side, and the joy of having someone by my side. But now, I wouldn't like you to be the one holding my hand.
I try to remember your voice, your touch, and scent. Then I realize I don't really miss all those things; instead, I miss all the moments that took away my loneliness. However, today I value solitude, and I might even admire it because it's a faithful company. Loneliness is noble and doesn't judge me as you used to, it doesn't say hurtful things about my personality, and most importantly, it doesn't try to undermine my beliefs. So no, when I'm lying in bed by myself, I no longer miss you as I thought I would.
I remember the times I sacrificed all the things I loved, who I was, just to follow your wishes. Although I miss being motivated by a powerful feeling like love, I don't wish to be obsessed with the idea of a utopian romance. No longer missing you means finally being free. One day I know you'll fade from my dreams and the first thought of the day won't be about you.
Although it's hard to accept it, today I know I don't miss you, but the person I used to be when I was with you. I know this because:
I stopped looking for you in every face, place, and situation, now, I only care about finding myself every day.
I no longer plan my routines or weekends with the idea of running into you, but with the purpose of enjoying life with my friends, family, and myself.
Now I don't wish for you to ask me to get back together. I want destiny to offer new possibilities.
Read other letters that deal with heartbreaks and the loss stages in: The Letter To Say Why, Though I Love You, I Can’t Stay and My Arms Are Here To Be Your Shelter: Letter To A Broken Heart.
Translated by María Isabel Carrasco Cara Chards