“Don't undress my love
you might find a mannequin”.
“We found love in a hopeless place”.
“The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety. Being separate means being cut off, without any capacity to use my human powers. Hence to be separate means to be helpless, unable to grasp the world -things, and people- actively; it means that the world can invade me without my ability to react. Beyond that, it arouses shame and the feeling of guilt. This experience of guilt and shame in separateness is expressed in the Biblical story of Adam and Eve. After Adam and Eve have eaten of the 'tree of good and evil,' after they have disobeyed (there is no good and evil unless there is freedom to disobey), after they have become human [...] they saw 'that they were naked and they were ashamed'. Should we assume that [what] the important point of the story, wants to convey to us is the embarrassment that their genitals were visible? This can hardly be so, [the main point is that] they are aware of their separateness, and of their difference, inasmuch as they belong to different sexes. [...] The deepest need of man, then, is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness."
(The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm)
There are loves that cleanse themselves with Erich Fromm's theory of "separateness." There are also loves that make one sweat and believe ourselves as invincible beings. They assault us from within, ransack our bodies, and leave us alone, filled with difficult questions. Both roles, predator, and victim suffer these attacks in the same way. Its the logic of a malicious exchange: they love each other, but at the same time they hurt the other, Eros and Thanatos in the middle of a never-ending boxing match.
Therefore, here below you'll find a catalog of irresponsible loves that every unprepared lover should know:
1. Babbling love
It's a love that lives for a time without language, and it is the type of love hysterical people or those afraid of commitment gravitate towards. It's not precisely an immature love, it just lacks communication. They are filled with predictable phrases and fake promises. For them, everything is shifting and their train of thought mixes everything up: "yes" with "never," and "maybe" with "always." It's an array of "I love you's" with explosive break ups. They take advantage of how undecipherable their discourse is; they stun you and end up convincing you.
2. The "business is business" Love
This love thrives in the business world. It revolves around acquisitions, negotiations, and exchange of love tokens. It's a business venture comprised of two partners who have a specific goal in mind. It's a love that is materialistic in nature. It focuses on how deep are your pockets and how much you're willing to dish out in order to sustain it.
3. Trophy Love
It's the one that exhibits the other on a pedestal and turn their partner into a poster to be admired. It is a love that is flaunted in front of acquaintances and becomes a prize to be coveted by all. This love thrives on possession and exclusivity.
The premise of this type is: "If I don't show you off I don't really have you."
4. Tug of War Love
It resembles the previous one, but the only difference is that now it's not a trophy to be exhibited, but a flag turned into a national symbol. This is a "tug of war" love, so intense that letters are written, families quarrel, and a war is started. This love creates heroes of us all, it is a love that is proclaimed and overpowers all other forms of affection.
5. Nuclear Love
It is a simmering love that takes age to finally find the perfect seasoning. It comes with the arrival of the great white buffalo. It is a love that disguises itself as "The One" but ultimately ends up blowing up in your face.
6. Masked love
It's a theatrical, histrionic, self-deceiving love that assumes its role from the disguise of their partner. Its motto is WI love the mask that I choose to put on because it distracts me from knowing what's behind it." Reality and illusion coexist in this love category where neither party wants to reveal their true self.
7. The Most Loving
It is a narcissistic form of love that is so infatuated with itself that it loses sight of what truly matters. It gorges on itself and implodes with self gratification. Nietzsche once said: "One loves ultimately one's desires, not the thing desired."
8. Constitutional love
It's founded upon clauses and agreements. A contractual love that stipulates what's valid and what's not. They establish the breakup conditions, the valid forms of coexistence, the permitted circle of friends, and even the length and time of the sexual encounters. It's a controlling and totalitarian relationship that, in most cases, ends up exhausting the lovers.
Love cannot be shoved into compartments, it is wild by nature and thrives in the unexpected. The minute you plan every encounter with your partner is when you smother any inkling of love.
9. Frankenstein Love
It's perhaps the most delightful and yet exhausting love of all. It has it all, pleasure, fidelity, future, horror, selfishness, and exclusivity that it's decided in a sort of wheel of fortune. It's unpredictable; it squeezes, tires, wonders, exhausts, and weakens. They make the other feel ecstatic while equally stabbing each other in the back.
Love has many faces and we've all been controlling, narcissistic, indifferent, overpowering, and clingy at one time or the other. These types of love we've described are silly by nature, no one is a Frankenstein fighting in the middle of a tug of war. Ultimately, the one who knows the type of love you are able to feel and give is you, no one else...
At the end of the day, the premise is: get out, have a breakdown, fix yourself, and go back. After all, the only thing we can say is #YOLO!
Relationships are complex because getting to really understand your partner is a difficult and thrilling process. However, you must really know the Difference Between Love and Emotional Dependency.
Translated by María Isabel Carrasco Cara Chards