“If I had been born a woman I would certainly have been a prostitute. Since I had been born a man, I craved women constantly, the lower the better. And yet women—good women—frightened me because they eventually wanted your soul, and what was left of mine, I wanted to keep. Basically I craved prostitutes, base women, because they were deadly and hard and made no personal demands. Nothing was lost when they left. Yet at the same time I yearned for a gentle, good woman, despite the overwhelming price. Either way I was lost. A strong man would give up both. I wasn’t strong. So I continued to struggle with women, with the idea of women.”
Charles Bukowski
Relationships in many occasions can become a torment from which there is no escape. We wonder why it all went down the drain and if it all was meant to be. We become the typical woman who desperate wants to change her partner and without realising it, we fall into the cliche of the self-sacrificing girl who gives everything up to love a jerk.
When did the feminine obsession of falling in love with jerks begin? Why are good and kind men considered boring? When did we become so delusional that we started to believe that a true idiot could be the love of our life? We fiercely hang on to this person despite the hurt and terrible moments we live through. In this mad relationship we are dragged into a vortex of irrational jealousies that overshadow all other aspects of life, like family and friends.
Jane Austen’s mythical figure of Mr. Darcy has been on the ‘Ideal Man’ pedestal for centuries and no one has questioned whether he deserves to be there. At the country dance, he spurns Elizabeth and becomes the complete cliche of the unfeeling jerk. Two centuries later, we continue to wince when he says, “She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me, and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men.” Women are quick to forgive and forget, and Mr. Darcy is idolized as the most perfect man ever to grace the world of literature.
Darcy might be an educated man, but he has no conversational skills and top it all, he is tough and cold.
He is swift to pass judgment on Lizzie’s family, stressing that despite her inferiority, he loves her. Some speculate this character is based on a brief affair Jane Austen had with Tom Lefroy, which obviously didn’t end well. Mr Darcy is nothing more and nothing less than a jerk whose figure is repeated ad nauseam in so many films and books that we see no end in sight.
“If he doesn’t love you, he never will, so move on and find someone else. If he cheats on you, accept it because he will continue to do so until the end of the relationship. If you are ‘The Other Woman’ do you expect he will be different with you? Stop kidding yourself.”
Women go crazy for the idea of men like Mr. Darcy, who give up everything, like their wealth, social standing, and reputation just to be with her. This literary reference reminds us of other more modern characters like Edward Cullen or Christian Grey. Both are cold, misogynistic, and are the ultimate ‘Bad Boy’ tropes, which conquer the girl who has the power to change them. Again, this is the ultimate aphrodisiac and fantasy women cling to.
Bella Swan can’t believe how lucky she is when the glittering vampire falls for her. He rejects her multiple times and Bella never gives up, she is willing to sacrifice everything and throw her life away just to be with him.
Suddenly, we realize we have fallen on the same trap. We continue to cling to men who are unavailable and don’t want to be our partner, or whose hearts are simply too small for us to occupy a space within. Lizzie had the power to change Mr. Darcy to the point he desires her above all others and all of us want to achieve the same thing. Transforming your partner into the Prince Charming you always wanted and who maintains that cold persona to the outside world is the dream many women share.
Women have wasted 200 years trying to find Mr. Darcy. This drive may be due to lack of confidence or maybe we simply want some thrill and excitement in our lives. No matter how much we try, this cold person will never love us. There is a bitter ending waiting for the women who depend on men for happiness. We cannot forget Blanche Dubois’s last words in A Streetcar Named Desire as she is carted off to a mental hospital by a doctor who she mistakes for a beau, “Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”
There are hundreds of examples that show the same foolish feminine pattern. We crave for a man with no limits, we dream of the attractive Don Juan who will fulfill our most ardent desires and whose womanizing tendencies will be overshadowed by their incandescent love for us. Yet, reality comes crashing down. Suddenly, you are filled with insecurities, is he with someone else? Why is he not ready to commit to a serious relationship? He gives excuses and he thinks his mistakes can be forgiven by small meaningless gifts. If we didn’t have this fundamental desire to be with them then probably, they would realize that behaving this way is wrong.
This is a global phenomenon: we all have a friend who lives in a tumultuous romance and who repeatedly asks, “why am I still with him? Despite the many times we tell her, “just let him go,” she fiercely clings to him with the fervent conviction that he will change. The Unbearable Lightness of Being serves as the perfect reminder, this miraculous transformation will never happen no matter how deep your love may be. He will never change. So, maybe, it is time we turned out sights to the men we cast aside because there isn’t something we would change in them.
The last thing one can say on the matter is stop believing the jerk is the perfect pet project. The power of love falls short in this respect, so don’t expect it will work. Can you bear to love someone who you will never fully trust? If so, stay, if not, move on and find someone who will make you happy.
