I forget your face some days. It’s almost too easy to close my mind to your memory. Beyond the hurt, there’s a sense that denial will make it all go away. If I can’t picture those eyes of yours, then I can feel as if I’ve moved on. Then a song comes on the radio, a tune drifts from an open window, a passing car, at the store, and it’s all over. Because even if my brain was wiped of any visual reminder of your dimples and eyebrows, I’d still be able to tell our story through the songs that recount the past.
There’s a playlist, a list of recurring songs that feed my addiction of refusing to leave you behind. They’re just lyrics and music. They don’t belong to you. I should be able to listen to them without feeling anything. And yet, they pull me back to thinking and reliving all the shit that went down.
Acceptance – “So Contagious”
“Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this”
Copeland – “California”
“Maybe I fell too fast
Maybe I pushed you away
Now you're gone and I'm afraid
That you're never coming back this way again”
I play this game where I imagine a life without you, a world where I’ve yet to learn about broken promises and runaway emotions. When it’s late and I should be sleeping, but instead I’m staring at the ceiling, I wonder if I did you as much wrong as you did me. We were broken before, but together we were poison to one another. We knew the right places to touch and the best spots to cause pain.
Harry Styles – “Two Ghosts”
We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat
Ella Eyre – “Even If”
“We never had it easy
You have your ways
And I sure have mine”
I won’t pretend to be the victim here. I knew the risks, and so did you. I just wish it was as easy for me to find a new love that will strip any trace of you away. How long did it take for you to find someone else?
Sleeping with Sirens – “With Ears to See and Eyes to Hear”
“So tell me how does it feel,
How does it feel to be like you?
I think your mouth should be quiet
'Cause it never tells the truth”
Years and Years – “Ties”
“I tell you I've got my secrets too
I go hunting for someone like you”
Sometimes it feels like every song was written for the same person. I’m stealing the lyrics for myself, deluding myself into believing that, perhaps, someone heard the story about a girl who should’ve known better.
The Used – “I Caught Fire”
“So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin”
Halsey – “Colors”
“You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece
And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink”
The reason I loved you was because I thought you’d fallen for my flaws. It was easier to pretend, as if we weren’t burning everything around us.
Jacks’s Mannequin – “La La Lie”
“We met for a movie
Every scene was a sign
We made out through their meaning”
The 1975 – “The Sound”
“Well I know when you're around 'cause I know the sound
I know the sound, of your heart”
But I need to put behind your scent. I need to pretend. Once I’ve deluded myself into getting over you, then perhaps I’ll finally be free. Your name will always be written on my heart. But it will slowly become just another scar, one that is forgotten over time.
Brand New – “Jesus Christ”
"Everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night’s hard to get through"
Yellowcard –“Hang You Up”
"I can not hold this anymore
My hands are tired of only waiting to let go
And I am waiting, still"
Eventually you’ll be a mirage. A blurry old picture I’ll find every ten years before placing it back in the drawer. That’s when I’ll forget why these songs had been left behind. I’ll listen to them as if they were new, finding a new meaning for each. They will still comfort me but in a different way and for reasons that will be easier to confess.