Nothing gives us more guilty pleasure than hearing a perfectly crafted insult. Specially, when it’s coming from a literary character because often, we see them as an extension of ourselves. Imagining their voices, we begin to copy their attitudes and we empathize with their words and world views. Every time they get what they want, it gives us a tiny bit of pleasure. Likewise, when they make the wrong decisions —even if we know why they’re making them— we feel the consequences of their actions as if our lives depended on it. But nothing beats that feeling like seeing them throw out an incredibly witty put-down at someone who deserved it. It makes us feel as cheeky as they are, as if we ourselves delivered the burn.
Yet, there are times in real life where we need our wits to be the sharpest if we don’t want to be publicly humiliated. Running into a duel of insults is not an easy situation, and to come out victors, we need to keep our sass on standby and our guns loaded. Cram yourself with this arsenal of masterfully crafted insults so you can always come out victor in any battle of wits.
“Any woman who counts on her face is a fool.”
On Beauty, Zadie Smith:
“The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.”
A Feast For Crows, George R.R. Martin
“I could get you strung up in a tree so easy it ain’t even funny.”
Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
“You blithering idiot! … You festering gumboil! You fleabitten fungus! … You bursting blister! You moth-eaten maggot!”
Matilda, Roald Dahl
“He is simply a hole in the air.”
The Lion and the Unicorn, George Orwell
“You’re the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”
Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
“If your brains were dynamite there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”
Timequake, Kurt Vonnegut
“All morons hate it when you call them a moron.”
The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger
“The toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick.”
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, J.K. Rowling
“Everything people do that doesn’t work has to be somebody else’s fault. Next time you know, geezers’ll be suing the government for getting old and kids’ll be taking their mommies to court because they come out ugly.”
We Need to Talk About Kevin, Lionel Shriver
“Go back to f***ing Sunday school.”
The Constant Gardener, John le Carré
“He would make a lovely corpse”
The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit, Charles Dickens
“She would’ve been a good woman… if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.”
A Good Man is Hard to Find, Flannery O’Connor
“You’re not worth the trouble it’d take to hit you. You’re not worth the powder it’d take to blow you up…”
Revolutionary Road, Richard Yates
“Fool: Cry you mercy, I took you for a join-stool”
King Lear, William Shakespeare
“You ride well, but you don’t kiss nicely at all.”
A Pair of Blue Eyes, Thomas Hardy
“You see, but you do not observe.”
A Scandal in Bohemia, Arthur Conan Doyle
“Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.”
Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami
“I never saw somebody take so long to dress and with so little result.”
The Importance of Being Earnest, Oscar Wilde
“I misjudged you… You’re not a moron. You’re only a case of arrested development.”
The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway
Are you ready to burn anyone who dares to stand in your way?
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Even though writing insults may be inspiring to many of us, sometimes we need literary inspiration that gives us insight into deeper subjects. For these moments, read the 25 meaningful literary quotes to understand life and love and the 25 quotes that will consume you with emotion.
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References
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