When talking about the Victorian era, some see it as a period of male dominance (despite having a female monarch). Others describe it as a romantic era— albeit somewhat strict.
In any case, the truth is that courtship in the 19th century was a social activity in which love took on greater prominence rather than only seeking marriage for economic and social benefit.
Still, the Victorians had a series of strict etiquettes to follow if one wanted to find a potential partner. Here are some of these weird dating tips from the Victorian Era.
1. Buying dating manuals
You could say that these manuals were a type of self-help book for the love field. And these dating manuals were quite the hit among young men and women that yearned to explore the dating world but were unsure how to ‘act properly’.
Some of the most famous titles within Victorian society were the following: Maiden, Prepare to Become a Happy Wife and Mother (1868), Advice to Single Women (1899), and Uncle David’s Advice to Young Men and Women on the Subject of Marriage (1863), The Marriage Guide for Young Men (1883).
The last manual of those mentioned above contained REALLY odd advice, such as:
Yes, nowadays there are books that also give dating tips. I just hope these don’t sound like the previous one.
2. It looked bad for a woman to court a man
Even if Victoria was actually the one who proposed to Albert, she was the exception to this rule. Back then, a woman was judged if she decided to ‘make the first move’ during courtship.
Single women were not allowed to address men without an introduction, and they could only receive them at home if a chaperone (a.k.a. a family member) was present in the same room. (Could you imagine being on a date with your crush while being watched by your mother?!)
A treatise of etiquette and dress from 1882 pointed out that women should never seek to court men as ‘it is not only ill-bred but positively improper to do so’.
Glad to know that we’re trying to move away from this judgmental dating observation!
3. Women had to “come out”
No, it’s not the current interpretation of declaring your sexuality. Instead, its Victorian definition referred to the fact that, if a woman decided it was time to look for a potential partner, she had to publicly announce it.
If she didn’t, she wasn’t allowed to attend social events since the woman needed the explicit permission of her mother. While the young woman had to “come out” to her family, her folks were in charge of announcing it to the rest of society.
The latter depended entirely on their wealth and class. For example, a rich family would throw a series of parties while a lower-class family would be more modest by allowing their daughter to accompany them to church services or dinners— because she could now interact with civilization, but just as long as she’s being watched by a chaperone!
4. A woman had to wait until she was “in season”
Is this an innuendo to the reproductive cycle? Luckily, no. But it was another step that was a burden for women. After women finally, complete their “coming out” process, they still had to wait to be “in season” to start their search for love.
“In season” refers to the four months of the year (from April through to July) where upper-class families up and down the country would send their teenage daughters to London.
Once there, the upper classes would gather at a series of balls and dances for the purpose of meeting and matching the next generation of the upper classes.
My respects to Victorian women and their patience in meeting a possible partner— who, of course, had to be approved by her folks.
5. One must need a proper introduction
Back then, both men and women weren’t free to approach each other or be as open or direct as they chose. Use catchy phrases to praise their traits? Absolutely not! If they saw someone of their liking, they couldn’t simply go over and start a casual chit chat.
You had to wait to be introduced. Moreover, lesser-ranking individuals couldn’t approach higher-ranking individuals unless express permission was granted. Let’s say that you’re at a party when someone suddenly catches your attention. So, what you have to do is to find out if you’re of the same social status, search for the host, and then ask him or her the favor of introducing you.
Fingers crossed that someone else hasn’t come forward to introduce themselves!
6. Flirt with cards or fans
Because of the strict measures dictated by courtship, young men and women pursued dating tips to take a step further to get acquainted with each other. For men, they had the clandestine card.
These were “forbidden letters” that a young man discreetly gave to his lady instead of passing the official dance card or calling card to the young woman’s chaperone.
Why were these daring? Well, besides the fact that they were “breaking the rules”, a clandestine card contained a rather gutsy message.
In the case of women, their favorite “flirting tool” was the hand fan. In fact, women were even ingenious enough to create a “hand fan language” easy to decode!
Their code was:
7. No touching!
Under no circumstances could a Victorian couple touch before being married! For instance, holding hands was prohibited. There were social reasons why physical contact was railed against.
Sadly, a suitable Victorian male was required to prove that he would be a good provider, a potential Victorian wife had to confirm that she was still a virgin.
Therefore, seeing that touch was a “way to temptation”, was avoided if possible. There were a few exceptions, like waltzing, though it had to abide by the rules. Of course, these were also established in manuals.
8. Be careful of the gifts!
The Victorians defined what type of gift was appropriate for a gentleman to give: flowers, some type of candy, or a good book. Meanwhile, a lady couldn’t offer her suitor a gift before she had received one herself. But, once she had one, it was acceptable for her to return the favor and give her love interest something that might be small, inexpensive, and handmade.
Still, several manuals warned ladies against accepting gifts from men. The Young Lady’s Friend, by a Lady (1837) advised the following:
“Accepting gifts from men is a dangerous thing. Some men conclude from your taking one gift that you will accept another, and think themselves encouraged by it to offer their hearts to you. Make it a general rule never to accept a present from a gentleman”.
