After today, I don’t think we can claim that ancient Romans or Egyptians had bizarre sex rituals. Just when I thought I had seen the weird, the gross, and the glitter, this week brings a new trend that sounds both scary and nerve inducing. But, if you ask the comments section on the internet providers of these products, you’d think it was the best thing since cotton candy flavored lube. So today I present you the product that is taking online sex shops by storm: clit and crotch jewelry.
Yes, you heard correctly. And no, I’m not talking about piercings. These are little beaded things you dangle from your panties, called Beachtails, or Ladies’ Clips, which are the clip earrings you never knew your clitoris needed. Both of these are sold by a shop called BoDivas, the Claire’s store for your privates. While I believe that if you feel strongly about putting something up, on, or near your vulva and labia, you’re free to do so, I also worry that we’re all assuming that anything sold on the internet has been tested and proven safe.
This is when I remind everyone how, a couple months ago, nobody thought it was weird to put wasp nests in your vagina. Remember how out of nowhere the company disappeared from Etsy and the internet as quickly as a Tinder date who skips out on the check? I’m not saying this brand is the same, but I’d also not recommend placing changes or metal in the most sensitive and irritation-prone part of your body.
Let’s start with the basics: my first concern would be that, unless you just went full Brazilian in your nethers, there’s a chance the chain is going to get tangled in there. Untangling or taking off the jewelry piece will be either painful or jut embarrassing. Second, you’re going to have stainless steel and high-end crystals dangling from your parts or underpants. I don’t know about you, but I can already feel the chafing, specially since the Beachtail is meant to be worn with a bathing suit while poolside or by the beach, as well as in the bedroom. Sweat, water, and foreign objects? Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.
The following thing that made we weary of this new kind of accessories is that BoDiva is not the only brand out there. You’ll find plenty out there. Of course, this one actually does have the nice crystals and stuff. But the prices are still pretty low. For somewhere between 15 and 30 USD, you can be the proud owner and wearer of a metal contraption that slides on your labia and over your clitoris. You’ll feel like an Egyptian Pharaoh with a shiny crystal dangling from your lady garden. Just hope your body doesn’t react with a yeast infection, vaginitis, or some attractive itchy bumps.
My suggestion? Don’t go for the price. Go to an actual sex shop where they’ll have items that are tried and true. It might seem like easier and less embarrassing to buy it from the internet but, if you’re going to go that route, find an online sex shop with some credibility. There are plenty of erotic jewel pieces but, not unlike other jewels, you pretty much get what you pay for. So don’t skimp on the cost and expect a high end product. Find something that is within your budget but also safe. This is your vulva we’re talking about. Don’t be the person hiding their face under a paper bag at the Urgent Care. That’s never a good ending to a sexy time.
