Last year was my thirtieth birthday. I know some people get sad when they turn a certain age, because they think they’d be doing something different with their lives by that point or that they’d have their whole lives figured out. But I was happy to be healthy, surrounded by people I cared about, and being old enough to not care if people stared at my pink hair and sugar skull heels. I was unattached then, and I’m unattached now. I’m glad to live in an era where my happiness does not depend on my relationship status, nor one where my age dictates when I should be with someone.
That being said, I keep seeing all these writings about our twenties being the ideal age to find a partner, and I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong about those statements. Look, if you’re lucky to find someone in your late teens or twenties, that’s great. Love has no age. But, if we’re going to keep with that idea, we have to stop telling other people when is the best moment to fall in love. In my case, my twenties were a time when I made plenty of mistakes. Don’t feel sorry for me; those errors have helped me find out what I want and who I am within a relationship.
The following are a few statements I’ve found that seem to support the idea that our twenties are the best moment to find a long term partner. To repeat, I’m not saying it’s wrong to be in a serious relationship at this stage in life. I just don’t believe that these declarations actually embody a true commitment.
“You have someone looking out for you.”
This is one of the most common ideas I’ve seen swimming through the web on articles pro young love. While it’s a sweet sentiment, it also reeks of co-dependence. It’s true that early adulthood is full of uncertainty on all levels: There’s the stress of university, finding your first job, learning how to be on your own, etc. While having someone by your side as you navigate these new terrains is comforting, it can also be ill preparation for life. What happens when you break up a few years later? You’ll still have how to rely on yourself. Even when you’re with someone, you should be independent. To love someone is not to love the fact that they’re thinking of you. It’s to want them to be part of your life as you’re figuring it out. It’s sharing all the fears without hoping the other person shoulders it all.
“Your family won’t constantly bug you to see if you’re dating anyone.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was living in a Jane Austen novel. In my experience, your family asks that sort of thing when they see you’re unhappy. It’s their way of wanting to help out, but not really knowing where to approach the problem from. Also, you can always talk to them. Let them know that when you do find yourself in a committed relationship, they’ll be able to share that joy with you. Tell them that, while you’re thankful for their concern, your happiness is not adjacent to your romantic attachments. It can be bothersome to be asked that question during family gatherings and holidays, but it’s not enough reason to push yourself into a relationship.
“You can start a family before you’re 35 (if you want to).”
I’m grateful for the writer for adding the “if you want to,” but I’m still calling nonsense on this. You don’t need to be in a relationship to start a family. And to commit yourself to someone with that purpose in mind seems like a terrible idea. Having children is not going to solve your issues. It will only bring more people into the mix who’ll be at risk of also getting hurt if things don’t work out. Start a family when you feel you’ve found someone who has the same values as you do. Don’t rush into it because you feel your biological clock is screaming “deadline!” If you want to have children at a certain age, and you’re not with someone, there are plenty of ways that don’t include forcing an attachment.
“Monogamy equals reduced risk of STDs.”
You know what else reduces the risk of STIs? Protection. You are free to discover and live your sexuality the way you want to. It’s a myth to believe that you’ll be free of health issues if you’re in a relationship. If you rush into a relationship, where you don’t have a high level of honesty, you might also get an STI.
When finding a partner, it’s important to realize what your priorities are. Is your goal having someone for the sake of having someone? Or are you sharing your life with someone, while not expecting for them to solve or fix your problems? Be sure of what you’re looking for. It might be that you’re only delaying the inevitable part of having to come face to face with yourself, rather than wishing for a romantic relationship.
Why I gave up on my romantic failures.
Your inner strength can be your greatest weapon.
Images by Joel Sossa
Sources:
Pop Sugar
Thought Catalog
