Okay, we didn’t work, and all
memories to tell you the truth aren’t good.
But sometimes there were good times.
Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep
beside me and never dreamed afraid.There should be stars for great wars
like ours.Sandra Cisneros (via Junot Diaz) – “One Last Poem For Richard”
I miss how your hair would tickle my face as you slept. I miss the way you would walk next to me, measuring your steps, so we walked shoulder to shoulder. I miss your small smile as you watched your favorite show or the little tear in the corner of your eye as you watched a sad film. I miss your hand grazing my back, helping me fall asleep. I miss how you would open the door and give me a kiss, I must admit it felt like the best part of my day. I miss grazing your leg as you drove and listening to music and having no thoughts running through my head, just sweet, comforting silence. I miss not seeing you by my side and the happiness I thought I would never feel again.
Yes, I miss all of this. I loved the idea of you, but I realize, I never loved you.
I thought I loved you and the idea of being without you sounded absurd. The “I” had faded into a “we” that no one could put asunder, but time made sure to test this feeling and show me that eternity doesn’t exist, and that feeling I called love would only last a paltry few years. Jealousy, gossip, and personal tragedies, we overcame all of these obstacles but still the bubble burst, and down we went. In this free fall, we desperately clung to each other but in the crash, we were far apart. Today, I don’t see or listen to you, only memories remain.
–
12. “I miss sending late night texts to someone, but I don’t miss you.”
A message before going to sleep and one for waking up, and another for the coffee break. Today, my phone lies silent for hours and I wonder where you are, but I know it is jealousy speaking and not the uncertainty of missing someone you love.
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11. “I miss the restaurants, the take-aways, and the little snacks.”
Pizza, burgers, fancy dinners, and cheap chinese. They say love fattens, but I never changed by your side. I don’t miss you, I just miss going out to dinner with someone, because sharing food is always far more delicious.
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10. “I miss the person I was when I received a little love and attention.”
Your smiles made me think magic was real, but just like time separated us, it also taught me I can live without you. I miss thinking it was real and while the pain of loneliness is far greater than I ever imagined, the relief of removing the blindfold outweighs it all.
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9. “I miss thinking you were the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I miss thinking every day I won the lottery when you were by my side. No one seemed to understand me, because in my eyes, no one had ever felt this amount of love in their lives; however, your absence points to one bit mistake from my part. When you left, I didn’t feel as if the best thing in my life had also disappeared, it felt more like relief. I didn’t know it at the time, but as I cried, I felt a heavy burden lift off my shoulder.
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8. “I miss feeling you skin to skin.”
I went from craving your naked body to forgetting how you look like.
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7. “I miss the way you saw the world.”
You always challenged me and pushed me to do my best, no one had ever done that. I miss feeling that sort of support, but I don’t miss the heavy chains you placed upon me and the way you dragged me to where you wanted to be.
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6. “I miss how my moments of craziness inspired you.”
You said there was a fire in my soul and that you had never met anyone like me. While I still cleave to the past, I cannot help but miss how I used to surprise you, but your leaving helped me realize that I don’t need your validation to understand who I am.
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5. “I miss our relationship.”
I don’t. I miss the idea of a relationship, of holding hands and kissing other lips, of laughing and screaming, as well as crying on someone’s shoulder. One of the lessons you taught me is that no matter how painful the heartbreak, at the end, a past love is forgotten.
–
4. “I miss those nights of lying next to you.”
There is an empty space in my bed that caused me a lot of pain and grief, making it almost unbearable to sleep there. I felt your body grazing my own so many times that it took me a few nights to realize it would never happen again. I wholly accept that there are dark and cold nights, but just as the imprint of your head on my pillow fades, so will you from my mind.
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3. “I miss spending time with you.”
Drunk in a musical festival, making out in front of the crowd without a care in the world, cycling around the city and going camping, I miss all these activities. I admit, I don’t think I will ever leave behind these memories.
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2. “I miss the way you held me.”
I don’t miss your arms around me, I miss the idea of them, the idea of belonging to something greater than myself. There is no one here and you are very far away, so in many ways, I am learning how to walk again. I see that in no time I will be running carefree, without a thought spent on you.
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1. “I miss remembering you in every instance.”
I always had this deep need to see you and when I lost you is when I wanted you even more; however, today that memory is distant. There are no tears, no emptiness, there is only a strange new routine. In a bizarre turn of events, I miss suffering for you.
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“I miss thinking that I loved you.”
It wasn’t love that had crossed the threshold of my life, this is why people didn’t understand our relationship, our fights or the fact that we saw this love as a rollercoaster with joyous ups and depressing lows. Today, I am happy, I understand it wasn’t you. My happiness didn’t depend on your presence or your approval. I truly, truly, wish you the best. It wasn’t love, it isn’t hate, today, it is just indifference.
