My grandmother has always told me stories of what dating was like back in the forties. It all seemed so romantic and dreamy: dancehalls full to the brim, letters being sent back and forth, and just the expectation of waiting for the phone to ring. However, one thing I’ve never heard about is having your date disappear on you. You broke up, they got transferred to a different city, got drafted, but it’s rare to hear about a date from that particular era vanishing.
Flash forward to our current romantic landscape, the act of being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or benched are aspects of our lives we have to live with. I don’t think anyone has gotten used to these completely unnecessary tactics, since the ghosting party can choose to explain their situation to the person they’re dating. But we’ve certainly grown accustomed to having this happen. In the aftermath, we’re usually left with the sensation of having the rug being pulled out from under us; we can’t mourn or move on as we would with a regular breakup because we’re left hanging, hoping for that person to call us back. In lieu of a real explanation, would you create an entire story regarding your former significant other as a coping mechanism for their sudden disappearance?
I recently came across a piece by Talia Schatz for The Washington Post titled “Was my Boyfriend a Spy … or Just a Commitment-Phobe?,” and it got me thinking. I might not have ever thought that the guy who went out with me a couple times, stood me up for dinner, and never answered his texts again was a super secret spy. But I did consider many other impossible scenarios, including but not limited to him being an immigration agent making sure I was following all the accepted protocol while staying in his country with a student visa.
A few months later, I saw him again with some friends. He was bizarrely amicable and acted as if we were just acquaintances. It was then that I ditched the immigration story for a more plausible yet painful conclusion: he didn’t like me enough to tell me he wasn’t interested. I don’t think this was a bravery versus cowardly situation. If you have any regards for someone, you’ll just voice your opinion about the relationship not working out. Otherwise, you just lay low, sever communication, and hope they’ll forget you exist.
As for the ghosted one, we can dig for clues and explanations for being left on a shelf. But these are just band-aids that will keep us from actually moving on. If we make excuses for the other person, instead of just admitting to ourselves that they don’t care about our feelings, we risk leaving room for someone who’s just not there. Once it’s clear that they’ve done a vanishing act, it’s time to let it go. Because creating grand movie scenarios doesn’t help us. It only prolongs our hope that they’ll come back. And the more we wait for someone, it’s less likely that we’ll allow another person, who is actually interested in us, to come into our life.
When someone plays this ghosting trick on you, don’t turn them into the protagonist of an action movie. They don’t deserve it.
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The Best Way To Ghost: The Cruelest Way To End A Relationship
Love Bomb: The Dangerous Seduction Technique That Only Seeks To Manipulate And Control
