We all know you’ve won. You got him. The two of you laugh after watching a movie together and enjoy every night you spend in bed next to each other. Sometimes I picture both of you snuggling and get a little envious. It’s not jealousy. I just miss it. I miss being next to him, how his stupid jokes made me burst into giggles.
I’m guessing he does that with you too, right? That ridiculous laugh, that cute dance he does to hide his two left feet, that delicious massage that, if you must know, I taught him. I will always miss how we had to spoon because his room is so cold and his bed too small. I used to get annoyed, but now I wish I was there.
How is he? How’s his family, his friends? How are his classes going? Has he changed a lot?
I’m not going to lie. I was holding on the hope that, after being with me for so long, he’d stay. That he’d love me as much as I loved him, the way I love him. But that didn’t happen. It wasn’t long before he found someone to replace me. That’s you by the way: the girl who took the love of my life from me.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget him. It’s hard because we have so many friends in common. But don’t you worry. Next time I see him, I’ll treat him with indifference. I’ll give him a kind smile. As if we’re barely even strangers I’ll say hello with a nod instead of that passionate kiss I long to give him.
He didn’t want to be with me. He wanted to be with you. I respect that. I shouldn’t be saying this, but I’ve already endured my fair share of humiliation. I’ve already told him how much I love and miss him. But he has made up his mind. What else am I supposed to do? All that’s left is to walk away with the shred of dignity that I have left, holding on to the hope that I will find someone better than him.
It doesn’t hurt as much as it did at first. I’ve realized you weren’t entirely to blame for us breaking up. We weren’t ready for this much commitment at this age. Both of us wanted more. You just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
But promise me something. Now that you have him, promise you won’t change him. Tell me you won’t break his heart. I need to know that you’ll be there for him, that you won’t hurt him. I’ve heard some bad rumors about you and him. They say you’re leading him to ruin. Why would you do that? Grow to love him as I do. Make him happy. He deserves that.
Freshen up on musical references. He’s a total music-lover. He’s obsessed with never forgetting a band’s name and treasures every bit of trivia. Learn about his allergies. He’s got plenty and is likely to suffer an attack you might need to help him with. Give him space. He’s constantly worried about everything and needs to clear his mind every once in a while.
Don’t cheat on him. Not even with a discreet kiss, a casual online flirtation, or much less by getting involved with someone else. He’ll never forgive you. Or perhaps he will. But then he’ll try his best to get back at you and refuse to take you seriously.
I still love him with all my heart. So I’ll allow you to love him. Because, in the end, to love is to let go, hoping the other person will find happiness. You still have much to learn. So I leave you my love so you can. I give you his kisses, his touch, and his passion. I give you permission to make him happy and for you to be happy as well. I hate you but I love him. I despise you. I know how petty you can be, how ridiculous you look. You seem like such a crass person. But I realize that by choosing you among all the other possibilities, he’s shown me he’s not the man for me.
Images by Laura Makabresku
