When Bonnie Bartlett published her 2023 memoir Middle of the Rainbow, she didn’t sugarcoat it: the early years of her marriage to William Daniels included affairs on both sides, an unspoken open arrangement, and a lot of pain neither of them had signed up for. They’ve now been married for nearly 75 years. The lesson isn’t that open relationships don’t work — it’s that bringing one up without a real conversation almost guarantees they won’t.
What Daniels and Bartlett Actually Did (and Why It Hurt)
The couple married on June 30, 1951, right in the middle of New York’s post-war cultural explosion — a moment when sexual freedom felt like an extension of artistic freedom. Their arrangement was never formal. Bartlett later described it as simply understood: if Daniels was away for a year working, “he was away for a year.” No rules were set. No explicit conversation happened. And that, she said, was exactly the problem.
Bartlett had a brief affair with an actor she later called “slightly boring.” Daniels had an affair with a producer in New York. Neither was hidden in a dramatic way, but neither was openly processed either. Bartlett’s reflection decades later was blunt: the openness created “a lack of commitment” and was “very painful.” It didn’t destroy them — but it came close. What saved the marriage wasn’t the freedom; it was the decision, eventually, to grow up together and build something that didn’t depend on ambiguity. If you’re thinking about navigating jealousy in relationships, their story is a more honest case study than most.
The irony is that their near-century together gets cited as proof that open marriages work. But Bartlett’s own words tell a different story: what worked was leaving the open arrangement behind and committing to each other fully. The 75 years didn’t happen because of the openness — they happened largely in spite of it.
How to Actually Bring It Up Without Blowing Up the Relationship
The gap between “I’m curious about this” and “I want to have this conversation” is where most couples crash. Therapists are consistent on one point: the Daniels-Bartlett model — unspoken, undefined, assumed — is the worst possible version. If you’re considering raising the topic, the starting point is your own motivation, not your partner’s reaction.
Ask yourself honestly: is this curiosity, a fear of commitment wearing a progressive costume, or a genuine belief that non-monogamy fits how you both love? The answer matters because your partner will feel the difference. If it’s insecurity talking, bringing up openness won’t solve the underlying problem — it’ll add another layer to it.
Once you’re clear on your own motives, psychologists recommend leading with curiosity rather than a proposal. “I’ve been thinking about something and I want to understand how you feel about it” lands differently than “I want to open up our relationship.” The first invites; the second corners. From there, the conversation has to include what emotional safety looks like for both of you — specifically how you’ll handle jealousy, what transparency means in practice, and whether you’re prepared to hear things that are uncomfortable.
Regular check-ins aren’t optional. They’re the difference between an intentional relationship structure and the kind of quiet drift that Bartlett described. Many couples also find that working with a therapist before making any decisions — not after things get painful — gives them tools they wouldn’t have found on their own. The goal isn’t to convince your partner. It’s to understand each other well enough to make a decision together, whatever that ends up being.
