Don’t take me for a coward, please. I believe that by having in writing all I have to say, one day you will read this again and, hopefully, understand.
I need to be sure that you know how much I love you. At the same time I know that if dare say this to your face, I will never be able to escape your embrace. I won’t have the chance to tell you that I’m leaving.
It’s awful how love deceives us. It presents us something that clearly isn’t real dressed as our greatest hopes. I never wanted to become what kept you alive, but I wish I’d been a part of what made you smile. I tried to find ways to avoid this day from ever happening. But instead I discovered the truth that pushed me away from you.
The single possibility that allows me to stay by your side comes at the unlikely ability of me loving even the tiniest bit less. If only I could find a way to not have you inside every pore of my body. Somehow you stopped being the cure to all my tears. If you had never given me what all the others took, then perhaps I would be able to not love you so much.
Though, more than once, you were the light that brightened all my dark days, you knew exactly which of my wounds would bleed easier. I handed you the right weapons to destroy me: the trust I put in you and the confidence I kept to myself.
That’s why I’m positive that if I didn’t love you this much, the trust crushed by your selfishness and my stupid insecurities, my heart would not have shattered into pieces that are impossible to put back together.
I might still feel that strong pull towards you but I’m aware that I was my own woman when I fell in love with you, strong enough to bear the weight of our mistakes. As time went by I allowed myself to be taken by the wrong current. I abandoned my own thoughts and adopted yours. I gave you everything I was and was left with the shadow I am today.
I gave you full permission to guide me to the paradise of your kiss only to then be dragged to hell so you could watch me burn in the flames of your neglect.
I’m leaving, not because I haven’t learned to play with fire, but because that will always be the game you’ll want to beat me at. I begged you to be my ally instead of enemy so many times. I’m disappointed that you judged me for being different instead of embracing what made me unique. I regret changing every part of me although you felt it was unnecessary, since it’s clear you’d never be able to love someone that was just like you.
I don’t know how I was able to isolate myself from all those who could be with me now that I feel so alone. What I don’t understand was how you were bold enough to ask me to leave them. I was, wait I still am, completely yours. All I wanted was to complement our love with the joy others wanted to share with us ―all of our friends who are now gone.
I adore you. If I didn’t, this letter would not cause my soul to be ripped apart. There is no greater proof of my feelings for you than walking away today in order to make way for both of us to meet again in the future, a day when we’re not broken, forgotten, and cold. I want to see you radiant and warm again. It’s only life that can provide warmth. The life seems to escape from us through each aggressive remark and indifferent silence.
My only wish was for you to allow me to fly, for both our wings to spread together. I saw myself by your side when your feet finally lifted off the ground, so that you could reach as high as you imagined you would. I never meant to tie you down to a tether that kept you close but unfulfilled. Much less did I thought you capable of finding reasons to ransom me to reality, a mediocre setting, and an agonizing routine.
For all these reasons, as well the ones I can’t even discuss with myself, I’m asking you for the greatest act of love we can provide each other. I want to heal while parted from you, so that, when destiny brings us together again, you can know all of me and will fall in love with my faults. As for myself, I will learn to love myself so that I’m able to leave again if necessary.
It will be a long time before I can stop loving you. But I cannot remain next to you right now. I have figured out that there are people born seeking the light, while some of us are born in it. Through these words I honestly confess to you that I can no longer allow you to dim my light so that you might shine in my shadow.
Translated by María Suárez
