Gained much weight, lost too much, everything was bad, but I was worse… For a long time, I filled my mouth talking about those people who allowed themselves to be trampled to be with someone, I didn’t see the reason to stay if it was obvious that there was no love, until it happened to me.
I had had a partner for a couple of years and the truth is that yes, I was very much in love, to the point of preferring to change my plans with my friends or family if he told me to meet. As you can see, I was never someone with admirable confidence or high self-esteem, but the truth is that I had learned to accept my body or that’s what I believed. If someone commented, I didn’t care, even if it was my aunts, who used to make that kind of criticism, but the day my partner told me it was different.
I remember that I had ironed my hair, I had chosen some pretty clothes and put on the perfume that he told me so much that he liked. I came out so happy to meet him, but as soon as I heard him speak that smile immediately disappeared. When he looked at me he didn’t notice anything other than my extra weight and he didn’t care if it was going to do me good or bad, the only thing he wanted was to make it obvious so that I could do something.
That day everything was uncomfortable, while we walked I looked at other women’s bodies with great envy, thinking that was something that he wanted because I didn’t look the same at all. The next day I started exercising and stopped eating breakfast. I couldn’t tell anyone, they would think I was crazy because I wanted to do everything to lose weight and not stop liking the ‘love of my life’. I was so obsessed with the issue of weight that it was no longer just breakfast, I also skipped dinner and I preferred very light meals. All the time I felt bad about myself, I felt like I was ugly and that my body was terrible.
Then I started losing weight and people noticed it… except my partner. One day we went out and he didn’t even look at me, he just told me to hurry up, that it was getting late. When walking he no longer held my hand, nor did he tell me that he loved me, it seemed like he had changed. I began to think that what was happening was my fault because I should have been thinner.
After all, what I had lost was not enough. The routine tripled until I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I was very tired, and without energy, and yet I looked in the mirror and was only able to see my ‘horrible’ body. Over time my insecurity grew, I was losing weight and at the same time myself…
I had managed to lose more than 10 kilos and my partner finally noticed it, but what I expected didn’t happen. He looked me up and down and he told me I was already too thin. My head short-circuited at that moment.
I didn’t know what to do anymore, all I could do was feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be with my partner anymore and that desire became bigger and bigger until one day we went out and I noticed that he looked with desire at a girl with a body very similar to mine and I understood that it wasn’t me the problem, much less my body. What he was screaming at me was that he no longer felt comfortable with me and the love I had for him was blinding me.
The story that we went out and I looked at other women was repeated more frequently and that was that I decided to hug myself and do something for myself. I gathered my courage and said ‘goodbye’ to who I thought was the love of my life. Nowadays I still exercise, but moderately and most importantly, because it is something that I decided, not an imposition from someone who tells you ‘I love you’, but shows the opposite.
It took me a while to understand it and you may criticize me for that, I don’t applaud myself either, but what makes me most sad is how someone you love so much can destroy your security, and your self-esteem and don’t even measure your words and actions to avoid it. I needed to love myself more, but I am sure that no one, absolutely no one, will hurt me in any way, I don’t care if a family member, friend, or partner tells me. I understood that people who love you don’t destroy you that way. There is something that he and everyone must understand: Nobody has the right to give their opinion about other people’s bodies.
This story was written in Spanish by Tia Ceci in Cultura Colectiva.
