A real relationship is about arguments, communication, love, and trust. We often think we need to be honest and clear about our feelings and thoughts, and share them with the person we love. We feel there’s no reason why we should hide behind a mask. But honesty comes with a price. What we say can hurt the other person and turn a simple argument into a full blown fight. Blurting out the wrong thing can destroy a relationship, and as a consequence we tiptoe around, overthinking, and scared of what will come out of our mouths. Couples regularly ask themselves if there’s a way to avoid arguments or make the conflict shorter and less overwhelming.
Dr. Keith Sanford, an Associate Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience, says that when we start fighting, the most important thing to do to stop the conflict is to make the other person feel empathy towards us. Empathy will help us change their mind, while fury will only make it worst.
Sanford also affirms that there are golden rules every couple should follow for a successful relationship. You need to understand your own feelings and find out what really lies under the surface of each discussion. If you’re going to make a negative comment about the other person, you need to also make five positive ones. Another important aspect to bear in mind is timing; arguments needs to happen in the right time, not in the middle of a family dinner or in the middle of a supermarket.
These rules will not always guarantee a “successful” argument; everything can go wrong despite our efforts. Professor Adam Galinsky, author of Friend & Foe, explains his perspectives on conflict and cooperation, he suggests that to win in an argument you have to avoid generalizations and not question the feelings of the other. As a result, you will be able to know what the other person really feels, and you can express yourself with liberty. In this context, there is no room for reproaches.
Galinsky’s final suggestion is to desist from trying to win the argument. Even if it is a hard thing to do, there is no point in winning. Both parties can settle an agreement where both benefit, and that way no one will feel like they lost the fight.
Galinsky has discovered a way to put an end to all arguments. However, this powerful, six-letter weapon can destroy your relationship.
According to his book that word is: “always.” Whenever people hear this word, the emotion of entrapment is evoked. They feel the need to escape, and they actually try to do it. If they are not able to do so, they constantly remind themselves of their failed attempts. So the word “always” needs to be taken out of your vocabulary when you’re arguing with the love of your life.
Next time you fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend, ask yourself: “How do I want this argument to end? Do I want to break up, or fix things?” Your answer will determine whether you say “always” or not.
